18 and Knocked Up

I Doodle! Pt. V

2012-02-10T10:00:00.000-06:00

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I Doodle! Pt. IV

2012-02-03T10:00:00.001-06:00

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I Doodle! Pt. III

2012-01-27T10:00:00.000-06:00

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I Doodle! Pt. II

2012-01-20T10:00:00.000-06:00

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100 Things To Do In 2012

2012-01-17T10:00:00.000-06:00

Every year I do Goddess Leonie's Goddess Guidebook and Planner to make my year as special as possible. I wanted to at least share my list of the 100 things that I really want to do this year. There are a few of them that I can't share, but there will be at least 90 on here.

Maybe once a month I'll try to update what I've accomplished.

Get a tattoo.
Get a piercing.
Skydive.
Get wasted, but not if Peanut is going to be around.
Buy roller derby skates.
Go to a concert.
Get a bike.
Road trip.
Finish platypus canvas.
Zentangle canvases.
Paint pottery.
Organize art supplies.
Read 12 books.
Take pics with Peanut.
Swim in a lake.
Swim in a river.
Run a 5k.
Complete Couch to 5k program.
Complete applicable 30 Days to a Better Man.
Make a doodle scrapbook.
Plant an herb garden.
Go to River Market.
Go to St. Louis.
Take pics in a photo booth.
Make absinth.
Go to a Mavs game.
Maintain a 3.8 GPA for a semester.
Participate in a flash mob.
Go without media for 24 hours.
Go camping.
Complete pin-up girl cross stitch.
Visit a new state.
Go on trips with the youth group at my mom's church.
Go swimming at night.
Make fondue.
Perform a random act of kindness.
Learn to crochet.
Complete 5 cross stitches.
See a sunrise and sunset on the same day.
Go ice skating.
Make sushi.
Make a monster plushie for Peanut.
Make a picture book.
Attend a house party.
Participate in Race for the Cure.
Participate in AIDS walk.
Go on a date with someone new.
Go to the lake for a weekend with Meggers.
Visit the Bestie at school.
Go canoeing.
Day trip to see my favorite couple.
Have a BBQ.
Go on a picnic.
Make a light bulb terrarium.
Print off pics.
Paint paper lanterns.
Make a shrine.
Buy more vintage hankies.
Make prayer flags.
Buy more prayer flags.
Build a blanket fort.
Attend a rally for a cause I care about.
Do 25 pushups.
Learn to hula hoop.
Learn a poem by heart.
Get contacts again.
Answer the 50 Questions that will Free Your Mind.
Dance in the rain.
Learn to identify a constellation.
Sew something.
Get a small pet.
Leave a note in a book for a stranger to find.
Send a secret to PS.
Carve my name in a tree.
Go indoor rock climbing.
Ride the train.
Make a list book.
Open a savings account.
See Flogging Molly.
Go to Half Priced Books.
Take a class at Micheal's.
Make those one bracelets.
Make something with my mirror birds.
Fall asleep in someone's arms.
Go to Westport.
Get a new speaker.
Build something.
Get more mens boxers.
Go cash only.

Well, almost 90.

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November and December Photo Dump

2012-01-14T10:00:00.000-06:00

I Doodle!

2012-01-13T10:00:00.000-06:00

I doodle a lot so I thought that once a week I would post a pic of my doodles.

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I Have An Announcement

2012-01-12T10:00:00.000-06:00

These are skates; not just any skates, these are my skates. I am planning on joining a roller derby team. I have never been much into sports, especially team sports, but this is my new passion.

I went to my first bout a few months ago and have been skating once a week ever since. I got my skates over the weekend and I am super stoked about this new adventure.

I decided to wait awhile before I posted about it because I didn't want this to be another half baked idea that never went anywhere. It seems like this has stuck, and at the very least I've found a new healthy hobby.

So here we go!

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Alcoholic Kids

2012-01-10T10:00:00.001-06:00

When you become a mom things pop into your mind that you would have never even thought of before; we think not only about our children but about other children that we know and don’t know. The thing I’ve been thinking about lately is drinking around the kids. I hear people that I know talking about how drunk they get on the weekends with their kids around and it makes me cringe. It usually involves a family get together and family members that they can’t stand and do not want to be around. I can’t help but feeling like we they are raising another generation that isn’t able to deal with the stresses of everyday life and teaching them escapism.

I should first say that I have no issues with kids seeing adults have a drink, which is perfectly reasonable to me. I have issues with teaching children that it is ok to turn to substances to deal with the stress of everyday life; drinking, doing drugs, behaving inappropriately is not going to teach kids how to be upstanding members of society.

The other part that worries me about kids seeing their parent drunk or otherwise intoxicated is that they are seeing their parents out of control. It is very important for me to remain in control of a situation, especially when my child is present. If I am intoxicated I cannot protect him or defuse situations that are potentially hazardous. I believe that above all else, children need stability and need to be able to count on the adults in their lives to protect them and keep them safe.

What are you worried that we are teaching our children?

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I Know, I Know, I Know

2011-12-20T11:58:00.002-06:00

I suck at posting. This week I am going to try to write 10 posts and schedule them so that hopefully this won't continue to be an issue.

My world has been kind of shitty lately. My Grandma died on the 10th and our entire world came to a halt. Christmas was her favorite, so I have a feeling it's going to suck this year. I don't really have a lot to say about this. I loved my grandma dearly and I will miss her, but she got out of doing a lot of health related stuff that would have made her quality of life even worse, so this is better.

I hate December anyways for personal reasons so this just kind of added to it.

There are more posts coming. Hang in there.

Things I Know Friday

2011-12-01T20:27:00.002-06:00

I'm not even sure what I know today, so it's gonna be pretty random. If you want to join in and tell us what you know, go to Yay For Home! and add your link. Easy!

- My stomach hurts because I ate Chinese 2 days in a row. That was a terrible plan and I really want to puke, just so you know.

- Listography is addictive, you can add me or whatever here.

- I am going to go clean my bathroom, my room, and work on Christmas gifts as soon as I finish writing this.

- A local weather man killed himself and I honestly do not understand everyone being so upset. It's sad, but most of you people didn't know him. Get over it.

- My dad's birthday is today.

- People hate me because I will not instill the belief of Santa Clause in my child.

- I fell off the working out bandwagon. I'm getting right back on tomorrow because I am going skating.

- There is a post scheduled to go up on Monday about why I am going skating, and it's super exciting!

- I am going too download the 2012 Creating My Goddess Year Workbook and Planner from Goddess Leonie at GoddessGuidebook.com and I will probably be sharing pieces of it here on my blog.

That's about all I've got.

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I'm Speaking Out Novemmber 18th

2011-11-17T09:30:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago I made a post about feeling vulnerable, that you can read here, and I mentioned that I was going to be writing a piece to post for Speak Out which is an event that Kristen from Wanderlust has come up with to promote awareness about domestic violence. That post is scheduled to go up at 8 am tomorrow morning but first I wanted to explain some things.

First: I do have a history with domestic violence, both the physical and emotional type. So far my list of boyfriends goes something like this: manic depressive with self harming tendencies, physically and emotionally abusive with self harming tendencies, emotionally abusive, and one that was just a bit off and had sociopathic tendencies. I have no idea how this happened; I grew up in a safe and loving home and had a pretty easy life, it's not just people that were abused as children.

Second: I may or may not still be in the victim mind frame but I do not completely blame my abuser for everything that happened. As you will see in the post it was a little bit of both of us, he just happened to be stronger. I almost always initiated the physical aspect of the fights because I would be cornered and scared.

Third: There are parts of this post that are going to be hard to read and some readers will judge me for. I refuse to be attacked on my blog, so if I get one mean comment I am going to turn the comments off. I have not forgiven myself for my actions so I do not expect you to, but I really do not want too hear about it.

Fourth: Parts of my story have been left out because they are deep, deep secrets that no one knows and I do not intend for them to find out via blog post. I also will not be linking to the post from my Facebook page. If you want to read it and you usually go though FB, you'll have to just come over here.

I hope that you will join me on Friday and write, Tweet, or post on Facebook to help raise awareness about domestic violence so that it doesn't have to be a dirty secret anymore.

Sweet

Things I Know Friday: Some Secrets are Silly Edition

2011-11-11T12:01:00.004-06:00

It's Friday so it's time for me to tell you all the random crap that I know. If you want to join in write your own "Things I Know" post then head over and link up with Shea at Yay for Home!

This week we are talking about silly secrets; those ones that you never tell anyone because they will look at you like you have 3 heads.

- I hate swimming in lakes or rivers with no shoes because I am scared of stepping on something dead.

- On a similar note, I always have a moment of dread when I open the hot tub cover or a large dumpster becasue I don't want to find a dead thing. I blame CSI.

- I cannot stand to have dirty hands. If my hands feel the least bit icky I have to wash them. It's the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning also.

- Really, I just hate being dirty.

- I can usually handle pain, but getting a burn scares the crap out of me. There is a valid reason for this, kind of. I am into metal working and welding and stuff and when I was learning in school I would always end up with burns. I just cannot stand the way they feel.

- I'm actually terribly shy, I just learned how to hide it.

Do you have a silly secret?

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What Do You Keep in There, Bricks?

2011-11-09T16:30:00.000-06:00

I carry giant purses most of the time and they are usually pretty heavy. I carry lots of stuff and I'm pretty much always prepared. I do forgot that I've left my wallet in my car every once in awhile, but that is another story. Since I carry a lot of stuff I have to have a system of small pouches to manage it all. So that is what I'm going to show you today.

This is my new purse. It's huge and has pockets, just the way I like.

This is the first pouch and it contains an emergency kit of sorts. The little case hods tampons and a couple of condoms, then we have lip balm, an extra set of plugs for my ears, safety pins, hair tie and bobby pins, alcohol swabs and bandaids.

This is my favorite of all my bags. This bag houses whatever book I am reading at the time, my notebook, planner, and my kindle. Since these items add a lot of weight, if I am going to be carrying my purse for a long time I usually take the whole bundle out.

Here is my adorable wallet (they make pumps that match and I really, really need them) and my ID case. I keep the ID case in the wallet because sometimes I just need a couple of cards and cash, like when I go to concerts.

The last is my makeup bag. I keep enough in here to do an entire face of makeup. All four of those on the right hand side are lip balm: one fruity, one minty, and two tinted. I also keep a small vial of my favorite perfume in here.

Here is everything all together. There is an extra bag between the wallet and the makeup bag that hold my piercing care kit (which I plan on talking about later). I don't carry it all the time because I don't always have a new piercing to take care of. When I'm not carrying it I do have a gauze pad and a spray bottle of saline in with my make up just in case one of my piercings get tugged on or damaged in come way.
You might be wondering why I need so many bags or crap in my purse. Well I like doing it this way because I can choose which pouches I need and throw them in the diaper bag or a smaller bag depending on my needs.

So now I'm terribly curious, what is in your bag?

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October Photo Dump

2011-11-05T22:05:00.009-05:00

I'm really sorry that these are not in order. There is a lot of pics and I don't feel like fucking with it to put them in order.
Peanut was a dragon for Halloween. He loved his costume but would not hold still long enough for me to take any decent pics of him.
Dragons need snacks too, ya know.

This is my pumpkin all lit up.Here is is right after I got done carving it.
This is the stage at the the Social Distortion show. My friend and I had to act like we were lesbians because a creepy guy was hitting on her. We were right at the gate so we saw everything. It was amazing!
My boots, because I'm still a punk at heart.
MOAR DRAGONS!
Social D tickets.
This is one of the flowers I have been obsessed with making these last few months.
Breakfast of champions: sugar free Red Bull and a protein bar.
This is my new bobcat skull. I named her Antoinette.
Peanut is helping Papa mow the grass.
Passed out.
With just his feet sticking out of the stroller.
This is about 10 minutes before the previous two pictures were taken. This is proof that you can still wear your toddler.
Just me cheesin for the camera.
My new amber ring. I really like amber.
Blown tire on my parents' travel trailer. The tread came off and tore open the floor and some of the insulation flew out.
OHMIGAWD! It's Mama and Peanut!

This is what I look like at grownup parties.
Oh, there is the tire again.

We can nom on apples now.

And how cute is this for an ending picture?

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Things I Know: Totally Effing Random Edition

2011-11-04T10:30:00.003-05:00

Yup, it’s Friday again so it is time to join Shae at Yay for Home! for Things I Know Friday. If you want to write your own post you should, and then link back to Shea and add your blog to the list. It’s super easy.

This week I know a lot of random crap and I will tell you all about it in no particular order.

- I know that tomorrow I will be posting a picture dump of a post from October. I’ve been thinking about doing a monthly picture dump so I think I’m going to do it the first Saturday of each new month.

- My kid is going to drive me crazy if he doesn’t start talking soon. He is throwing fits about everything because he can’t communicate with me. I feel bad because I always meant to do bay sign language with him but never really got around to it. Maybe we’ll look into this a little more tonight.

- I am a much more relaxed person when I have my artwork surrounding me. I brought home more stuff from the Psycho’s house and a lot of my art was in it and now is in my room making me a happy camper.

- Speaking of camping, I need to camp more next summer.

- Tonight I am going to get most of my big furniture from Psycho’s house which means that I will have my big table and can actually start working on art again. This will be a good thing.

- I am enrolling in classes for the spring semester on Monday. It looks like I’ll be doing Medical Terminology, Human Anatomy, Nutrition, and then maybe one of the psychology classes that looks like fun that I’ll need. Too much? Probably.

- I’m getting my own apartment in the spring. I need to be on my own and learn to be self sufficient. We’ll see how this goes. Maybe I’ll get a dog.

- I’m excited for all of the changes coming up, and I’m not scared.

- Following that last point, I think that means that therapy is working out for me.

- My therapist says my habit of getting piercings in times of stress is healthy. A lot of people go buy themselves something nice to make them feel better. Mine are more permanent so I can look in the mirror everyday and be reminded of what I’ve gotten though. They are like battle scars.

That’s pretty much what I’ve got. As I said before, random and fuck, that’s just how it goes sometimes.

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Things I Know: Rock Concert Edition

2011-10-28T09:29:00.004-05:00

I went to see Social Distortion with a few other bands last night and it was EPIC; after awhile though, I noticed a few things that I would like to share.

-I know that when you are at a rock show it is stupid to smoke a joint in the mosh pit; someone will get set on fire.

-When you throw someone up to crowd surf you should choose a small person, preferably of the female verity because they float, land, and are pulled down by security much easier than big people.

-RESPECT SECURITY! They are there to keep us all safe and happy so we can enjoy the show. Don’t be an asshat by being disrespectful.

-When moshing, watch out for people that do not want to be in the pit and do not pick a fight with the person keeping you out of the crowd.

-Wear boots, your toes will thank you.

-There will always be nice guys at concerts that will keep you safe from the pit and other weird things; go find one if you didn’t bring you own.

Maybe some of the stupid people that were there last night will read this and understand the errors they made.

Happy Friday everyone!

Swt

Today's Word: Vulnerable

2011-10-24T19:00:00.000-05:00

Today’s Word: Vulnerable

vul·ner·a·ble [vuhl-ner-uh-buh l]
adjective

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

“I do not like being vulnerable.” I think that most people would share this sentiment, for me when I am feeling vulnerable everything else goes to shit. I think there are certain situations that can benefit from one being vulnerable such as in therapy or when opening up to a loved one, but even those are terribly uncomfortable situations to be in.

One of my dear friends summed up her feelings on vulnerability as such: “I feel like I showed up for school in my underwear…I just never know what to do with these moods because I can’t ask for reassurance and I can’t convey my fears properly so I end up just feeling silly.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

As most of you know I don’t live with Psycho at the moment but we are still very close and I think the relationship still has potential, but in the mean time I have been fostering relationships with friends and making new friends. I am rapidly falling in love (friend love) with these new friends and it honestly freaks me out like no other.

When people start getting close to me I have to start cutting doors into the walls that I have built up around myself. If you don’t cut the hole in the right place the whole wall might fall down on my new friends and that would just be bad. So I’m being careful and trying to be as open and honest as I can while at the same time not letting all of my crazy smash them in their faces.

To my new friends that are probably going to read this: you guys are so great and I’m so happy that I found you. I hope that I am doing a good job of not being crazy and of being open so that you guys can get to know me and so that I can get to know you. Please stick with me even when I get kind of weird…it happens sometimes and I’ll try to warn you.

I have one other piece of new on the vulnerability front. Kristin from Wanderlust has asked that on November 18 we all commit to Speak Out against domestic violence and I have added my name and link to this list. This means that I will be telling my hardest story right here for you all to see. I’m scared that I will be judged, but I have a feeling that more likely I’ll be understood. I’m proud to add my name to the list of bloggers and others on all sorts of social media outlets that will be taking a stand again domestic violence. If you want more information, go here.

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Things I Know Friday: Piercings!

2011-10-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

It’s that time of week again; the time when I tell you all the random shit that I know. Today I’m going to talk about something that I really do know a lot about: body piercings. In my life time I have had about 20 piercings, I’m not going to tell you what they are or which ones I still have, that might be too much information.

So here is what I know:

- Find a piercer that you trust and feel comfortable with. If you trust someone enough to let them poke a hole in your body, you should also trust them enough to follow their care instructions.

- Do a little bit of research before you get your piercing. It is nice to know what to expect and how the procedure will go.

- Find out if your state requires licensing for piercers and make sure that if it does, your piercer is licensed.

- For the love of god do not be under the influence of anything when you get it done. Body modifications should be done with a clear mind and sober body.

- Eat something before you go; a piercing can be a big shock to your body so it’s helpful to not be woozy from lack of food.

- Take deep breaths and stay as calm as possibly. A good piercer should walk you through the process and tell you what they are doing as they do it.

- After you get your piercing take good care of it. Don’t change the jewelry unless you need to and in that case, go back to your piercer. Keep it clean and if it needs to be covered, keep it covered.

- When you clean your piercings using harsh cleansers can tear up the healing tissues. Don’t use things like alcohol, peroxide, or wound cleansers. I always use foaming antibacterial soap once a day and sea salt soaks several times a day on new piercings.

- Pay close attention to your piercings for signs or rejection or infection.

I’m hoping that this was somewhat helpful to someone. I’m thinking about writing more about body modifications on here, since it’s something I’m super interested in.

Happy Friday!

Swt

Well...It's That Time Again

2011-10-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, depression is a selfish disease. Right now I am not happy and it isn’t getting any better. I’m kind of weepy, anxious, wanting to sleep all the time but not sleeping well, and I’m making stupid and risky decisions. Sounds like depression, doesn’t it?

As I’m sure most of you know, depression is always right under the surface for me. You can see it there all the time, and sometimes it breaks through and attacks me until I give up. Well, not this time; this time is different. I can feel it coming and for the love of God I am not doing this shit again. This mother fucking monster is not going to eat my soul like it usually does.

I’m doing traditional talk therapy and working out, both of which really help with the depression, but I know I need some extra help. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor and I am going to start taking a low dose of Zoloft again. I’m going to be honest; I am scared shitless. I don’t want to take these drugs for the rest of my life to have a form of normalcy. Right now I feel weak and angry because I couldn’t deal with this on my own; I’m supposed to be strong. There is a lot going on in my head regarding this decision and the events that led up to it.

The other part of this is that when Psycho and I broke up I promised myself that I would deal with some of my issues. We have talked about getting back together in the future, but I can’t do that until I do some fixing. I know that I am a hard person to love and that when I get weird I get selfish and I shut down. I’m not a good mom or partner when I’m depressed and truth be told, I’ve been depressed since before I moved in with him in March. Right now I am trying to convince myself that the break up is a blessing in disguise and a chance for me to work on my relationship with my son and myself. It’s not working yet.

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Things I Know: Oh So Random Edition

2011-09-30T08:27:00.002-05:00

I told you I would be back with Things I Know Friday with Shea from Yay for Home!

I'll give you a short update on how I'm doing and what is going on and then I'll get on to the things I know. I'm actually doing very well. Moving back in with my parents is stressful because now we have three adults living together and wanting to be in charge. I desperately miss Psycho, but it's nice to have my best friend back like he used to be; as I told him last night, maybe now we can just focus on enjoying each other instead of having to deal with all the stress we had before. I have been working out every night for thirty minutes on the treadmill and I am working on getting the fastest mile possible. All in all I am surviving and I might have an interesting picture to share tomorrow.

Here is what I know:

-I know that my friends are awesome. Last weekend two of my best friends spent the night and then got up early with Peanut so that I could sleep in.

-I know that tomorrow is officially October, my favorite month, and that all the crazy business that I love is coming up.

-I know that packing up half of a household is a bitch.

-I know that sleeping alone isn't all bad.

-I know that this list is fairly random and I'm ok with that.

Have a great weekend everyone. I have a couple posts that are set to be posted next week so be looking for those.

Swt

The Sun Will Still Rise Tomorrow...

2011-09-28T22:51:00.006-05:00

...and if it doesn't then we don't have to worry about it anyways. This is the phrase that my dad keeps repeating and I am realizing more and more everyday how true that is.

Yeasterday was the first day since Psycho and I broke up that I didn't cry, today was another such day. I actually feel alright right now.

I got a new treadmill so I worked out on it today and I'm starting to be able to eat again, which had been an issue for the past week. I lost 8 pounds since the break up from not eating, that is extremely unhealthy and dangerous.

This post is pretty short because I'm trying to type it on my kindle and that isn't the easiest task. More real updates and a return to Things I Know Friday are coming.

Swt

the

2011-09-28T22:51:00.003-05:00

the

2011-09-28T22:51:00.001-05:00

I...Um...I Just Don't Know

2011-09-25T21:51:00.002-05:00

I haven't written because I just don't know what to say. A LOT has happened in the past week and it has left me pretty well heart broken. Psycho Knight and I broke up. I'm staying with my parents again and it sucks. I don't like being here in the middle of things and I would really like to go home, but at this point it looks like I don't have one.

There is a lot more to say, but I just can't make it come out.

Swt

Things I Know - Peanut Edition

2011-09-09T08:33:00.003-05:00

It's time for Things I Know with Shae from Yay for Home!

The things I know about Peanut are -

That no one calls him Peanut anymore, not even me. As he has gotten bigger and older, we have actually started calling him Willie. I don't know if I want to switch to calling him that on here or if I want to hold on to my baby Peanut for awhile longer.

We do on a Mommy, Peanut date to Steak n' Shake most Saturdays. I know that the ritual doesn't mean a lot to him now, but I hope as he gets older it will. His favorite is the chicken strips and apple slices.

As of yesterday, he is 16 months old.

Peanut is learning to wave and it is the cutest thing I have ever seen. He always has his palms facing himself and looks confused when he makes it work.

I am working on learning to discipline a toddler. It's so easy for me to get angry and frustrated so I am working on not getting worked up. I've recently gone back to the Attachment Parenting 8 Principles and it has already made a huge difference in the way I handle him.

Having a toddler is probably the most fun thing in the entire world.

Swt

What Comes with the Wind will Leave with the Water

2011-09-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

What comes with the wind will leave with the water is a Gaelic proverb. It's one that I live by and will someday have permanently etched into the skin on my back. This week nature has reminded me how true this proverb can really be.

As most of you Americans should know, this past weekend was Labor Day weekend; the last weekend of Summer. Sometime around the middle of last week a heat wave blew in with the wind. I was out with my parents and Peanut on Saturday and it was sweltering, and then, it was puring down rain. Within about 30 minutes the rain cleared up and it was cool, chilly almost. The heat that came with the wind was washed away by the water. It's been nice and chilly out since and I couldn't be more excited.

Fall is my season; I love swimming in the Summer, the new flowers in the Spring, the stillness of the Winter, but Fall is when I'm relaxed and renewed. I'm kind of a morbid little thing; I like watching everything die and wind down in the fall, there is an unparalleled grace in it.

I also love fall because of all the activities that come with it. Starting this weekend I am pretty much booked. This weekend I am cleaning up a river bed with my mom's youth group and going to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. Next weekend will, as of now, be spent cleaning and getting the house ready for fall and dealing with summer clothes. The weekend after that is the Equinox, the real start to fall. This year Equinox falls on a Friday and I need to do a practice camping trip with Peanut in the back yard, so that's what we'll be doing. Then we're in October; a time that will involve a couple of trips and then HALLOWEEN, my favorite holiday.

I'm excited for fall. I can already feel myself relaxing and lightening up as Summer starts to come to a close.

Swt

Things I Know - Summer is Almost Over Edition

2011-09-02T09:00:00.001-05:00

It's time for Things I Know with Shae from Yay For Home!

Today's post is inspired by this post on Off Beat Home. It's all about things I wanted to get done this summer and if they actually happened.

I know that there is a giant canvas on my dining room table that only has a background painted on it. I am going to finish it this week.

I know that I have a gift to either make or aquire for one of my friend's daughter's birthday that is coming up in 2 weeks.

I know that our roof still leaks, as does our kitchen sink and washing machine.

I know that we have nothing to make an entire meal out of and I'm not going grocery shopping until Saturday or Sunday.

I know that at some point on Monday my parents will be at our house, Psycho Knight's brother will be at our house, and PK's mom will be at our house. I feel like I should get a bunch of random food to feed people.

I know that a few things did get done this summer. We got a cat, got Peanut's room set up for the slow transition we are making into big boy land, started the therapy journey, and I got a bunch of my hair cut off.

I know that I still haven't been camping on swimming in a lake this year. I will be camping this fall, but I need to get on the swimming thing.

That's about all I know.

Swt

My World is Foggy

2011-09-01T12:05:00.002-05:00

Right now I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel slightly like a zombie. Part of it is that I'm itching to get away. I'd love to be at Burning Man this week, but I have to wait a whole year before I get to go. I'll write more on this later.

I'm hoping that my busy 3 day weekend will make up for the fog. Tomorrow I am going to a party for one of my friends and staying the night with my parents.

Saturday I am going to an Irish Festival and running around downtown with my friend Meggers, Mom, and Peanut. Hopefully if we aren't too worn out there will be swimming in the lake with Meggers and Peanut afterwards.

Sunday will be spent cleaning, finishing a painting, assembling a package for The Bestie, and grocery shopping.

Monday is the big day. Psycho Knight is off and so am I so we are going to finally clean up the back yard from when we had the storms. My parents are coming up to help, PK's little brother is coming over, and at some point their mom is coming over to put her motorcycle in our garage.

I think that it will be really good for me to get out and about and do something productive.

Swt

You Know You Missed Me

2011-08-22T22:17:00.003-05:00

I'm sure you were all wondering why I haven't been posting, yes? No, you weren't. That's fine, I know that I suck at posting on a regular basis. Every time I decide I'm going to write more often, something happens. This time it was a 3 day long power outage.

We've been without power since 2am Saturday morning and I am told it's still not back on. I have no idea because Psycho Knight called and told me not to bring the baby home because they would be replacing the poles for the power lines all night long, so we are at my parents' house for the night.

I had therapy again today. Today we talked about changing my thought patterns. I get a worrisome thoughts and then my mind runs with them and I freak out. So now I have a list of thoughts to try to modify the existing ones with. I am also supposed to be writing a log of when I start getting anxious, what I do in response to the anxiety, and if that tactic works. We are switching to meeting every other week so that I have more time to work on my "home work."

I don't have a lot to say about anything, so I think I am going to stop now. I have a few posts written and in my drafts, so look for those.

Swt

Things I Know: Therapy Edition

2011-08-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

I'm joining Shae at Yay! For Home for Things I Know.

As I've said before, I don't know a lot of things, but I do know some. I had my first appointment with my new therapist on Monday and I think it went great. I left that session knowing more things than I did before the session. I think that is point of therapy, so this is good.

I know that I am not crazy and that crazy is not a clinical term. I am not to use it anymore.

I know that I am not broken. My therapist, Nicole, says that no one is broken; some people are wired differently than others and that is just fine, we just need to learn how to use our wiring.

I know that I have a goal to work towards. My goal is to manage my anxiety by learning new tools and skills.

I know that I do not need to keep looking for the trigger to my anxiety. I am a worrier by nature so my anxiety does not have to have a particular trigger. My trigger is there all the time so it is not some outside force.

I know that I am still uncomfortable looking people in the eyes for more than a few seconds.

I know that Psycho Knight is amazing. He came to the appointment with me for moral support and said that he would come to as many appointments as I need him to. I am reminded everyday how much he loves me and how important it is for me to have him around.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. I have been scheduling posts because I write them and then promptly forget to post them and then I don't feel like writing something new so nothing gets posted.

Swt

Thursday 13: Lunch Break

2011-08-18T08:00:00.004-05:00

Here is 13 things I did with my lunch hour yesterday...

1. Eat a reasonable lunch of yogurt, crackers with cream cheese and turkey, and a necterine.

2. Run next door to QT and get a super tasty cherry Sprite for only 52 cents.

3. Listen to the Decemberunderground album by AFI.

4. Make a blog to-do list.
Set up Twitter and Facebook accounts for blog.

5. Write a couple of blogs posts.

6. Call doctor about insurance clarification.

7. Clean out the stupid number of Post-Its in my purse.

8. Speaking of Post-Its, lets make a box out of one.

9. Take a couple of pictures with Instagram (LOVE) and e-mail them to yourself to include in blog post.

10. Try to fax insureance info for the 5th time today.

11. Send "I love you, have a good day" to Psycho Knight like I try to do everyday.

12. Do the Tree yoga pose.

13. Look at the clock and realize it's almost time to start working again.

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Things I Know - I'm a Hot Mess

2011-08-12T09:43:00.000-05:00

It’s time for Things I Know with Shae from Yay! For Home.

I know a lot of things, but mostly what I know is that I’m discouraged.

At work I feel like I’m not making a difference. Our breastfeeding rates have not improved which is the whole point of us being here.

The people that monitor the numbers are stupid. Apparently if you give ANY amount of formula in the hospital you are considered not breastfeeding. So those moms that get really ill or have their tubes tied or have complications and their babies are given maybe 2oz of formula and then only breastfed after that, they are not counted.

I am a terrible lactivist because I didn’t write a post for World Breastfeeding Week. There isn’t a valid excuse for this except that I am discouraged and didn’t feel like thinking about breastfeeding anymore than I had to.

My house is a disaster and I cannon catch up. I’m slightly pissy because Psycho Knight took off a few extra days this week because he had emergency time that he needed to burn and yet, he hasn’t cleaned shit.

I still think I’m depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I’m not eating anything except for lunch and that’s just because I’m at work and everyone else is eating so I should be too. I’m just all around not feeling well and nothing is helping get me out of my funk.

On a happy note, I am going to pick up our new cat tonight after work. Her name is La Vida…I think we will be renaming her. I’m really excited because I’ve wanted to get a cat for the longest. I will post pictures of her tomorrow.

I start therapy on Monday and I’m actually starting to get excited about it. I think that it will help me a lot more this time around. PK is going with me so I don’t have to do it alone.

You shouldn’t read this post, it’s horribly depressing.

Swt

Trust

2011-08-08T09:30:00.001-05:00

This weekend we had a lesson in trust in our house. It started out Friday night when Peanut WOULD NOT SLEEP. He usually goes to bed at 8 pm and didn’t pass out until after midnight. He would relax if I was holding him, and then play, and then relax. So I would put him down and walk away and he would scream. It wasn’t his normal scream when he is actually upset; it was different somehow. Every time this started I second guessed myself and went in to check on him and thus the situation started over. I realized when I finally told Psycho Knight that I was going to bed and turned on my fan and shut my door that I need to learn to trust my instincts. I was going and checking on Peanut because I thought I was being mean if I didn’t when what he really needed was to be left alone to work it out on his own. I also realized that I needed to trust him to be able to communicate with me when he actually needs me. Yes, he wanted to play, but the sounds he was making meant that he was ok to be left by himself.

The second lesson in trust came Sunday afternoon. PK got and early out at work and came home right at nap time. When Peanut woke up he got up and played for awhile and then decided to get into stuff. He started pulling movies off the shelf even after we blocked it and distracted him. Peanut wasn’t having it. What resulted was a full blown temper tantrum. PK picked Peanut up and sat him in a chair and told him calmly that he was in time out for 1 minute. Peanut continued with his fit and at that point I was losing patience so I walked away because I realized that I have to trust PK as a parent. I always step in and take control because since he was born, I have been Peanut’s care taker. As he gets older and PK is around more and more he has to be respected as a parent also.

Peanut also learned a lesson in trust with PK. By PK holding Peanut while he threw his fit Peanut learned that he can trust PK to discipline in a fair manner and also that PK will give him a safe and appropriate environment to work out his frustrations on his own, which is an essential part growing and learning.

When I came back down my boys were eating Cheerios and drinking juice. It was an adorable sight.

Swt

I Am the House Captain!

2011-08-06T21:26:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about the term "housewife" lately and I have decided that I am most certainly not one. I’ve talked before about how a lot or the household responsibilities fall on me and most of the time I am alright with that fact but I don’t feel like a housewife does all of the things I do. I (try to) fix garbage disposals, put things together, take them apart, I can fix or at least figure out how to fix most anything that can go wrong, I take care of the cars, I’m a welder, I’m an artist, oh-and I suck at most things domestic.

So I’ve chosen a new title – House Captain. I got this from Cat over at Hipster Housewife (the best blog EVAR!!). You can read her post, which is very similar to this one, here.

Also, I have pretty well accepted that most of the household crap falls in my lap and I put up with it. Psycho Knight has gotten better about doing the laundry and dishes and such so I’m not quite so cranky about doing it all. And as it turns out, I don’t mind cleaning when I’m upset. It’s nice to turn up the music really loud and not think for awhile.

This was a short little post and I’m sorry for that. I have a few bigger ones in the works and I am trying to get better about posting.

Swt

Things I Know

2011-08-05T09:12:00.004-05:00

So, I'm starting a new Friday thing. This is Things I Know from Yay! For Home. It seems fun and I liked reading through all the links.

What do I know this week?

Peanut has completely weaned. I'm really sad about this and it kind of breaks my heart. I have been avoiding writing the post about him weaning because it just might make me cry.

Some days I don't miss breastfeeding...AT ALL. It was getting stressful trying to nurse a toddler and it's kind of nice to have my body entirely back to myself.

I'm going back into therapy. On Monday the 15th I have my first appointment. I am terrified, but I think this might help with some of my craziness. Psycho Knight is going with me for moral support. I was debating about putting this on my blog because it is really personal, but I feel like everyone on here will support me and my wanting to be healthy.

I have found new ways of entertaining myself while PK games at night after he gets home from work. One of those ways is making origami flowers, which I will be posting a tutorial for sometime this next week. The other way I entertain myself is not nearly as wholesome.

The bazillion-and-ten degree heat has finally broken and today it rained. I would really like to go back to bed. I might take a nap at lunch.

This is about all I know. Well I actually know more, but it seems slightly irrelevant. Happy Friday!

Swt

P.M. Parenting

2011-07-31T15:59:00.002-05:00

This post was inspired by a question on The Leaky B@@b about what kind of parenting style you use. If you don't know about TLB, click on the link and go check it out. It's all breastfeeding support.

My parenting style is called PM Parenting and it stands of Peanut’s Mom Parenting. I don’t subscribe to a particular style of parenting; I do what works for me and my family at the time. What worked when he was a new born is not the same as what works for us now. As we make the transition into toddlerhood I have been examining how I parent and the lessons I am trying to teach him.

When Peanut was a newborn I was totally convinced that I had to pretty much be a hippy to have a happy, healthy baby. He spent hours a day in a sling or in someone’s arms, we co-slept, cloth diapered, made our own baby food, breastfed, practiced baby led weaning. We did it all. Now that he is a toddler a lot has changed.

As of right now, Peanut doesn’t spend hardly any time in the slings anymore. He loves to walk and is getting really good at it, so usually he holds my hand and walks beside me. When he gets tired I pick him up and throw him on my shoulders or plop him in the ring sling if I happen to have it with me. We haven’t used the Moby in months and the Mei Tai has fallen by the wayside. I LOVE my slings and all the freedom they gave me, but now I have a boy that would rather explore on his own two feet.

When I moved in with Psycho Knight I decided that it was time for Peanut to learn to sleep on his own. I felt that it was unfair for him to have to learn how to sleep with two people in the bed and that it was unfair to expect PK to share a bed with an infant that wasn’t biologically his. By this point Peanut was sleeping through the night most nights so I started working on the transition about a month before we moved. I started by nursing him almost to sleep and then putting him in his bed and sleeping on the day bed in his room. Within a week he was sleeping on his own and I was sleeping on my own in my own bed. I think this was the best decision I could have made for us because him having his own bed and bringing it to PK’s house when we moved gave him something secure that was his. It smelled the same and felt the same so with all the changes it was something constant.

Along the same lines as co-sleeping I also swore that my baby would NEVER have to cry it out. This worked until he realized that if he didn’t want to sleep all he had to do was throw a fit and I would come running. It became a huge game for him. I started calling it the “fuss it out” method. I can always tell when he is genuinely distraught and when he is just grumbling because he doesn’t feel like sleeping just yet. When he needs me I always come running; he knows that he can trust me to be there when he needs me to be.

We still cloth diaper when we are at home, but as he has gotten bigger I have realized that there are more important things than dealing with cloth diapers. I put him in a disposable when we leave the house so that I don’t have to transport stinky diapers. That’s all there is to it.

Baby led weaning and breastfeeding go hand in hand. The principle behind baby led weaning is that you follow the child’s instincts. His first food was salad off my plate because he reached out and ate it. Since then he has pretty much had what I have or some variation of that. We did some spoon feeding but mostly stuff that he could pick up and get into his own mouth. The other part of baby led weaning is that you follow the baby’s cues for nursing. We nursed on demand and by the time he was a year old he was down to two sessions a day. At fourteen months he completely weaned himself and I was not ready, but you cannot force a toddler to nurse. So our nursing relationship ended. He still checks to see if my boobs are still there and I still offer but so far he hasn’t tried to latch on again.

It’s kind of funny to see how people react to Peanut and I. I think that most of the time they are trying to decide if he is mine or if I am watching him. I try really hard not to react when he falls until he decides if he is injured or not; I don’t want to scare him when he is busy dusting himself off and going on to the next thing. I do not keep a tight grip on him, I let him run around and explore. I stay close behind him so that he doesn’t get into too much trouble, but I let him be independent and learn things in his own way.

When I think about what I am trying to accomplish with my son I want him to be a child that trust that I will be there when he needs me, is confident enough to learn and explore and discover on his own, and is well adjusted. So far so good, I think.

Swt

My Heart Hurts, and so Does My Head

2011-07-27T21:09:00.003-05:00

The last two days have been extremely emotionally trying and the events haven't even really been involved in my own personal life. I can't help but just want to go hide my head under a pillow and forget how much the world hurts sometimes.

Yesterday at the clinic we had a few incidents. The first one involved a mom with 4 kids; her husband had been a soldier and had some issues with PTSD. They had been fighting and then suddenly he died. He was 31. Then the entire office pretty much accidentally got involved with a custody battle. The dad had the baby and said mom was crazy and the mom said he was keeping the baby from her. The last incident yesterday wasn't terrible, just kind of sad. This mom has been married fr year and the husband has been living somewhere else for the last six months and has never even met their child. I didn't realize when I took this job how much tragedy I would see. At least once a week I hear a story that totally breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Today was a little closer to home. We had our staff meeting this morning so we got to sit through three hours of updates and news and such. Well here in the US we are probably facing a lot of national budget cuts. WIC is an optional program that has already been cut significantly. We are all terrified that more cuts are coming very soon and there is a real possibility that at least some of us won't have jobs anymore if this becomes a reality. I will put a link at the bottom of this post too write to your senator and tell him that you think WIC should not face cuts. Not only is this my job, but it is also an extremely important program. Some of the special formulas can cost $30 a can, we can provide most of the formula a family will need so they don't face further hardships from a sick baby. Moving on. There are several girls that are about 5 years younger than me that I have watched grow up. One of them is trying to figure out who she is and the other few are dealing with pushy boys. This all worries me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I am hoping that I am open and honest enough with them that they feel like they can come to me and talk about it. I'm not as intimidating as a "grown up" but I am more grown up than most others my age and have a bit more to offer in the way of advice.

Mostly I'm just tired. There has been some inner turmoil in my head again and I am trying to decide what the correct course of action is. Therapy is starting to become a major possibility for me. I'm just not sure where to start, but unlike how I usually am, I am not scared of what is going to happen. I know that I will make the best decision for me and my family and that I will be ok, because I am strong and I have the best support ever.

Swt

Here is the link so that maybe some of you can advocate for WIC with us. Just type in your zip code and it will shoot you over to the right place.

Alter Egos

2011-07-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

I'm not crazy, I promise...

I think most kids growing up have imaginary friends; unfortunately I was not like most kids most of the time. I didn’t much care for the idea of Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the like. I over thought everything and internalized a lot of things; like when my mom told me what to do if something happened to my grandma when she was sick. She told me to call 911 if she didn’t wake up; well I took that to mean that I was going to somehow kill her. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that I didn’t have imaginary friends…I had alter ego.

I’ve had two alter egos in my life so far but I am pretty sure given the chance I could make up some more. My first one was Beth. Beth was mischievous but I also think she was more logical than I normally am. She thought through problems and worked them out when I was too busy being creative and trying to make it pretty. She was the engineering part of my brain. I think I liked to blame things on Beth which makes it a little better that she was an alter ego rather than an imaginary friend; she was a real person that I could assign blame too, even if that real person was still me.

The second alter ego I made up was out of necessity; she was a coping mechanism. Her name is Sweet, and I still live as her most of the time. Sweet is a lot tougher than I am and she doesn’t deal well with real emotion; the only ones she has are pissed off and happy. I made Sweet up because when I started having bad anxiety problems I needed someone I could switch over to after the panic attacks were over, I needed someone that could be tough because I felt so fragile. I never really knew that she would stick around so long. I went through a boyfriend trying to kill himself, a couple abusive ones, a lot of loss, depression, anxiety, new experiences; all things that I, as Sarah, couldn’t really deal with on an emotional level.

Now I am pretty much able to switch back and forth as I please. At work I am usually Sarah because I need to have a lot of compassion when I am with my clients, I am Sarah when I am with my son and with Psycho Knight. I am Sweet when I am dealing with Will, I am Sweet when I am dealing with my friends except for a very few that can see me with my guard down. When I am in situations that I feel like I could get yelled at or when I really need to trust my instincts I function as Sweet because I trust her judgment more than I trust my own.

This post makes me sound pretty crazy, and I’m pretty ok with that. I know that I am not crazy; the brain has interesting ways of dealing with stressful situations and this is the way that manifested in me.

So tell me, did you have imaginary friends or alter egos? Who were they?

Swt

Take Me With You?

2011-06-26T19:41:00.002-05:00

My parents came up today to install a dishwasher (YAY!) and then took me and Peanut out for dinner like they always do when they come up to visit. I always like it when they come because it's a chance for me to prove that we're doing alright and that I can take care of myself and the kid. At the same time it's always bittersweet.

I am an only child and I was always really close to my parents. I had severe separation anxiety well into my teens and hated being away from them for any real length of time. Being on my own now has been hard but I'm settling in nicely. But when they come to visit I always want to leave with them. I really miss living with them more than I could have ever imagined. I can't go down stairs and ask my dad for a hug when I have a bad day; I can't ask my mom to help me make some ridiculous art project. It's really hard.

I know that I am just on the other side of the city from them, but it's a really big city and it feels really far away. Every time they leave me up here I want to cry and ask them to take me back with them. I love my life here, but sometimes I don't want to be the grown up anymore and I want them to sweep in and take over like they used to.

Guess we all have to leave the nest sometime.

Swt

"I Like You" by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

2011-06-14T13:07:00.003-05:00

This is a childrens book but I absolutely love it. It is written in kind of the same way I think and I think it flows really nicely. This book pretty much summs up my relationshp with Psycho Knight.

Enjoy

I like you and I know why
I like you because you are a good person to like
I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it's specialAnd you remember it a long, long time.You say, "Remember when you told me something special?"
And both of us remember

When I think something is important
you think it's important too
We have good ideas
When I say something funny, you laugh
I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too
Hah-hah!

I like you because you know where I'm ticklish
And you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes
But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too

You know how to be silly
That's why I like you
Boy are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you
I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly
Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never
Too late, it's a quarter past silly!

Sometimes we don't say a word
We snurkle under fences
We spy secret places
If I am a goofus on the roofus hollering my head off
You are one too
If I pretend I am drowning, you pretend you are saving me
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag
then you are getting ready to jump
HOORAY!

That's because you really like me
You really like me, don't you?
And I really like you back
And you like me back and I like you back
And that's the way we keep on going every day

If you go away, then I go away too
or if I stay home, you send me a postcard
You don't just say "Well see you around sometime, bye"
I like you a lot because of that
If I go away, I send you a postcard too
And I like you because if we go away together
And if we are in Grand Central Station
And if I get lost
Then you are the one that is yelling for me

And I like you because when I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away
Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things
It takes time
I like you because if I am mad at you
Then you are mad at me too
It's awful when the other person isn't
They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could just about punch them in the nose

I like you because if I think I am going to throw up
then you are really sorry
You don't just pretend you are busy looking at the birdies and all that
You say, maybe it was something you ate
You say, the same thing happened to me one time
And the same thing did

If you find two four-leaf clovers, you give me one
If I find four, I give you twoI
f we only find three, we keep on looking
Sometimes we have good luck, and sometimes we don't
If I break my arm, and if you break your arm too
Then it's fun to have a broken arm
I tell you about mine, you tell me about yours
We are both sorry
We write our names and draw pictures
We show everybody and they wish they had a broken arm too

I like you because I don't know why but
Everything that happens is nicer with you
I can't remember when I didn't like you
It must have been lonesome then
I like you because because because
I forget why I like you but I do

So many reasons
On the 4th of July I like you because it's the 4th of July
On the fifth of July, I like you too
If you and I had some drums and some horns and some horses
If we had some hats and some flags and some fire engines
We could be a HOLIDAY
We could be a CELEBRATION
We could be a WHOLE PARADE

See what I mean?
Even if it was the 999th of July
Even if it was August
Even if it was way down at the bottom of November
Even if it was no place particular in January
I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again
That's how it would happen every time
I don't know why
I guess I don't know why I really like you
Why do I like you
I guess I just like you
I guess I just like you because I like you.

Hidden Away

2011-06-13T15:13:00.002-05:00

Last night Psycho Knight and I were having a conversation about some of my friends coming over. He said that if my ex EVER finds out where we live and shows up that there will be big issues. I got to thinking about our house and where it is. Only 4 people in my circle know exactly where I live; my parents, The Bestie, and Jules. No one else really knows more than that we are north of the river.

It’s an odd thing not having anyone know where to find me. It makes me feel very safe. As in the case of my ex; I don’t really put it past him not to show up unannounced, but the only people that know how to get to my house will never be in contact with him.

I know I have bitched about feeling secluded up here by myself there is a huge part of me that is grateful for having my home being so unknown. Before PK and I started dating I would go to his apartment to hide. No one knew where I was or how to find me. It’s kind of that same situation still, especially living with him. He has always been a safe place to hide from the world where nothing can hurt me. Every time I would walk into his old apartment I would breathe a sigh of relief because at that moment the world didn’t exist.

Sometimes I find myself kind of anxious for even my parents to come over; like somehow they are infiltrating my fortress and letting the rest of the world in with them. When I wrote This House Tucked In I think I was starting to feel at home in my new home and now I’m realizing that I am home, and that this is where I belong.

Swt

PUMPING SUCKS! Guest Post by Ruth!

2011-06-11T09:32:00.002-05:00

This is the second guest post for the pumping series. Ruth is one of my very close mom friends and she is a hippy just like me!

Take it away Ruth!

Pumping Sucks!

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Ruth. I have an almost 9 month old baby girl, Liath. Sarah and I became friends when we were both pregnant. We have 2 common beliefs…#1 breast feeding is best for our babies and #2 Pumping SUCKS.

First let me say, as parents everyone agrees: we will do anything for our children. For me this means, I go to work to make a living and Liath goes to daycare which means I have to pump my milk. I pump 4-5 times a day 5 days a week. I have a routine: pump in the car on the way to work (yup that’s me on I-435 every day), pump during lunch, pump at 3:00 p.m., pump on the way home. Sometimes I even pump if Liath is sleeping a long time at night. There are days I feel like I pump more than I actually breast feed my child….it’s crazy.

Many people, including my doctor, ask “Why do you bother? It takes so much time to pump. Formula seems easier.” I simply reply “Studies show breast milk is the BEST food for babies.” I am doing what I need to do to give my daughter the best possible start in life.. That being said, there are days when I look at my pump and curse it, then when I am pumping, I beg my breasts to letdown and release the milk they hold. It’s a love-hate relationship. I hate pumping, but I love the benefits Liath is getting.

I have often thought, on weekends when I don’t pump, ‘I would like to donate my milk so a NICU baby can get breast milk instead of formula.’ The thought is wonderful…the process and red tape nonsense is crazy. A mom who has extra supply might be more inclined to deal with the process. I am not one of those moms, I work hard for every drop, every ounce. When I am done pumping and Liath is done nursing, if I have frozen milk leftover, I will be willing to donate my milk to a momma whose supply is questionable at times; I have a lovely friend who did me this favor and would like to pay it forward to another baby.

Breast feeding moms are a community, pumping moms make up a small inner group of that community. For those of us who pump, or have pumped….YOU ROCK!

Tomorrow will be my post on how I feel about pumping. And then the series will probably be over.

Swt

How to Play the Pumping Game

2011-06-08T12:07:00.002-05:00

I hope you all liked Laura's post yesterday as much as I did.

Today is all about how to pump and what kind of pump you need. We'll start out with the latter. This information comes straight from the Medela website because they are the only brand of pump I will use. I have 2 Harmony (manual) pumps, a Pump In Style Advance (double electric, single user), and I use a Lactina (double electric, rental grade) on a daily basis. I love Medela.

We'll start off with manual pumps. Every breastfeeding mom needs one; those days when you are engorged it's nice to have a way to relieve some of that pressure. Also, even if you have an electric pump you need a manual just in case something happens to your pump. Hand pumps are only convenient if you are only going to be away from your bay once in awhile; I would say no more than once a week for no longer than a couple of hours.

If you are going to be away from your baby a little more frequently, but probably less than if you had a part time job, I would go with a mini electric. It is faster than the hand pump and most of them are battery powered so you don't need a power source to pump. They are still not all that efficient, but will probably get the job done.

If you are going to be working and pumping you need a double electric pump. They are much more efficient than the single pumps so you will spend less time pumping and get more milk.

The last pump would be a hospital rental grade pump. These pumps are great for a working mom, too. They are ideal for a mom with premature babies, a low supply, or a mom that is exclusively pumping. These pumps are actually only a motor that moves a piston to create suction.

Choosing the right pump is a big part of keeping your milk supply up while you are away from your kiddo. And no, this is not a sponsored post, just my own opinions.

Now that you have a pump, we should talk about getting the milk out of your breasts and into a bottle.

Get breast shields that fit your body. Most of the big pump brands sell differently sized shields, or flanges, to fit your own particular nipple and breast size. I cannot get in to fitting a shield for you, but if you are uncomfortable while pumping talk to a Lactation Consultant and get the right size.

Try to find an area that you are comfortable in. I know that sometimes it will not be possible, but try to find an atmosphere where you can relax.

Bring a picture of your baby and maybe even his blanket. The more you think about your baby and nursing the more hormones your body will release and the better you will let down.

Do what feels right. When I am at work and I pump I take my name badge off and minimize everything on my screen so that work is not looking at me while I am pumping. Sometimes I read book, sometimes I read blogs.

Relax. Take a few deep breaths and try to relax the muscles in your back and chest. Meditate if you need to.

Don't get discouraged. If you aren't getting much milk at a particular session, stop pumping. Take a break for a minute or 2 and then try again. Obviously if this persists you need to speak to a doctor or LC and get some help.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. This one speaks for itself. Whatever you need, ask for it. If something isn't working like you think it should find someone that knows.

I hope this helps some of you new moms or moms to be that are facing the dreaded pumping monster. Most women hate pumping. It's doesn't feel the best and it interrupts your day. But you are doing what is best for your baby and that makes you amazing.

Swt

Pumping Week Kick Off! With a Guest Post!

2011-06-07T12:06:00.003-05:00

I asked Laura over at I have a few names but mostly I'm Mommy. She is a lot like me and I find myself relating to everything she writes. She is also a new mommy for the second time and is breastfeeding for the first time. Actually, she is exclusively pumping. Which is why she is writing a guest post for me on what that is like. On Friday or Saturday we will have another guest post from one of my dear friends about her experiance with pumping.

Here's Laura!

Why I Pump Milk To Feed My Little

Shortly after giving birth to my first child she was quickly swept away. I tried to see her over my knees as they yelled out her weight and length. Nurses ran around and I was somewhere on a cloudy high numbed from feeling the not so distant pains of labour but instead wondering why they took my baby away before I could hold her. The nurse who brought her back to me only said one thing, "have you decided if you're breast feeding?" I shook my head still unsure of the answer. " Well you have 3 hours to decide". I'm sure it was 3 hours but to me it felt like 5 minutes. This lead to the push of bottle feeding, and though I did try to breast feed my daughter the in and out of guests and nurses made it even more uncomfortable for me. I gave into the bottle and decided to try at home not knowing my child would not take to breast feeding easily after having a bottle for three days.

My failed attempt at breast feeding came from my lack of comfort with breast. I had become much like the rest of the world (wait maybe just America) and saw breast as accessories, toys of pleasure, something personal and all my own. A few years down the road, some child raising under my belt and good old aging had changed my idea of breast feeding. With my second child on the way I wondered if I could do it and succeed. Then I saw a photo of Orlando Bloom's beautiful wife breast feeding. She looked so comfortable and happy, the photo looked very personal like it had somehow leaked onto the net. It was beautiful. For the first time I didn't look away, instead I thought if a model can breast feed so can I! I didn't give myself the chance to give up this time.

I told the hospital I was breast feeding so they didn't offer me a bottle. I acted like I knew what I was doing and though I didn't take a class I read books on breast feeding and felt ready when the time came. Rhyley was in my arms skin to skin. Family came in and out and I decided to do the selfish thing and ask everyone to leave so I could work on breast feeding. I thought back to what I had read about latching and together like a little team we did so with success! I breast feed the whole hospital stay but halfway through something happened that changed my plans. Rhyley was using me not only to eat but to be comforted and hours of being latched on had taken an unexpected toll on my breast. My nipples swelled. I have large nipples but the swelling made them so large Rhyley could barely get them in her mouth. Every time she latched the pain was nearly unbearable. It was like she was cutting me with razors over and over. Still I sat there until the pain went down and I made it home breast feeding.

The lactation specialist came to help me and figured out that Rhyley's tongue was pushing up to much and causing the pain. It was as simple as pulling her bottom lip down and the pain was gone. Sadly keeping her bottom lip down was harder than I thought it would be. Finally I sat in my bed next to my husband breast feeding our child crying my eyes out from the pain...both physical and mental. The next night the swelling of my nipples stopped Rhyley from latching and we spent eight hours both crying, both frustrated, and both tired. I cried a lot to the hubby I couldn't believe I was about to fail already. I gave in and pumped.

Rhyley had trouble with the speed of the bottle nipple even though we purchased the slow nipples. Still she was receiving breast milk just in a different way. After a week my nipples went down and healed. I tried breast feeding again and she fought me all the way. I found she'd latch after having a bottle, basically making me into her human pippy. I was okay with that though because we still got to bond together and she was still getting the magic milk her body needed.

Now almost 4 weeks into her life I will tell you pumping isn't easy. You have to pump every two hours just like you were feeding the baby but you also have a baby to feed every two hours as well. You pretty much spend your day topless with a machine on your breast and child in your arm. This has been upsetting to my first child who feels it is unfair that all I do is feed her sister. Between her sibling and going back to work I've decided I'm going to try to pump only while I'm out of work. I definitely think it's possible to pump and work but in my case I'm walking into a bit of mess when I get back to work and instead of getting my hopes up and then crushed by failure I'm going to give up pumping, at least pumping outside of the evenings at home.

I have to say I feel good about being able to give her breast milk. I'm sad it didn't work out with my first child and of course disappointed things didn't go as planned this time but every time I look in my fridge I'm grateful that I gave her one of the best ways to be healthy. For me this is a big thing since I never thought I'd breast feed. I've had a few moments where I leaked through a shirt with company over or got covered in milk which by the way gets sticky and even so I feel really happy. I think if it makes you feel good then do it. For me pumping is the only way to give her breast milk now. I've sat over and over and tried to get her to latch but she screams and cries completely mad that I'm forcing her to work for her food.

If you really want to breast feed and not give your child a bottle try these things first. One the longer your baby breast feeds the better they get at it and down the road may not find it hard to switch from breast to bottle and back. If, like me, you need time to heal let your partner give the baby a bottle. I didn't know this but it helps prevent nipple confusion. This way they relate the bottle with that persons smell and not yours. This may help the baby find it easier to breast feed with you. Ask for help. Ask over and over until you get it right. Most lactation specialist will come to your home for free through state programs. Free help is wonderful. If you decide to pump still feed skin to skin if you can. The baby may be eating from a bottle but they get the comfort and bonding they would get while breast feeding. This is something I've found amazing. I can put my daughter up to my bare breast and she almost instantly passes out in my arms. My last bit of advice is look for support in your friends and family. I call my mom whenever I feel like giving up and she always helps me through it. Best of luck.

Thanks Laura!

Tomorrow I will be posting about different types of pumps and my rules for pumping.

Swt

Update on My Dad

2011-06-01T11:54:00.002-05:00

Monday morning we found out that my dad had a mild heart attack.; it wasn't even severe enough to show up on the EKGs that they did. Yesterday they went in and looked at the blockages and there are several. The one causing him pain is like 99% blocked but his heart has already found a way to work around it. They were talking about possibly needing to do a bypass, but his doctor and the surgeon feel like this can be controlled and hopefully reversed.

My dad keeps promising me that he will be ok and that he will do whatever needs to be done to keep him around. The mantra that keeps going through my head is that he has never lied to me before; if he says he will be alright, he will be.

I am so impressed with my mom. This is going to sound bad, but she and my dad are fairly co-dependant. I didn't know how she was going to handle all of this stress, but she is doing well. I, however, am not doing as well as she is. I cry all the time and I have never been more scared.

I want to say thank you to all of our friends and family that have been surrounding us though all this. Mom and Dad's pastor and her husband have been around to offer their support and knowledge, my aunt and uncle have visited and kept us company and moved the trailer for my mom, my Bestie came up yesterday, Aunt Jeff came and hung out, a few guys Dad works with came and he seemed really happy to see them, and a close family friend that is like another one of my dads came up and chatted for awhile. Thank you so much everyone. It's great that we have so much support for you guys. Also a huge thank you to everyone that has told us to let them know what we need; I know you would all do anything we needed you to.

I love you all.
Swt

Me Dad Had a Heart Attack

2011-05-30T22:02:00.002-05:00

At some point over the weekend my dad had a minor heart attack. Right now he is in the hospital and they will he doing a heart cath tomorrow morning to see what the damage is. I have never been more terrified in my entire life. He says he isn't even having chest pains now and that he feel fine, but he isn't even 50.

I am an only child. I am the only person my parents have to sit at the hospital with them. My grandparents offered to come down and stay with my mom while I'm at work tomorrow, but I still feel like I should be there. My dad won't let me take off work, he says that there is only a 2% chance of anything going wrong with the procedure and that I need my PTO for more fun things.

I am so impressed with my mom. I worry about her because usually it's my dad's job to hold everyone together; right now she is holding us together and I'm surprised. I had figured it would be my job thins time around and I just can't do it. I don't have that kind of strength in me right now.

If everyone wouldn't mind, just please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. We could probably use it.

Swt

Camping!

2011-05-29T17:13:00.003-05:00

This post is sooooo late! The Bestie, Jules, the Bestie's Roommate, Meggers and I went on ann all girls camoing trip. We had a great time. We got there late Friday night and had to set up in the cold and the dark and didn't have any fire wood yet so we were really cold. We drove into town and went grocery shopping.

On Saturday we got up and went a found firewood and started a HUGE fire to keep warm. We made biscuits, gravy, and bacon on the fire. This was actually around lunch time by the time we got the fire started and the food made. We wandered around the campsite and explored until we were freezing and decided to huddle up in the tent and take a nap. We tried to make burgers for dinner, but they fell apart and the desert we tried to make got really burnt so we decided to head into town for ice cream. The town is a college town and it was graduation night so we were dressed in camping clothes while everyone else was all dressed up. We think we saw some one break into a building so that was exciting.

Sunday morning we got up and had to pack quickly because it was starting to rain. We got everything broken down and decided to stop at Steak n' Shake for lunch. All and all it was a fantastic weekend. Thanks girls for coming on this trip with me!

Swt

This House Tucked In

2011-05-25T21:11:00.002-05:00

This post is inspired by a post written by Lori from Random Ramblings of a SAHM on Wanderlust. It's called This House Tucked Up and it is about how she loves her house at night when all the doors and windows are closed and its all "tucked up" for the night.

This post really resonated with me because I feel the same way; sometimes I hate this house because of all the shit that needs to be fixed, but at night it is my safe haven.

This house isn't officially tucked in at night until Psycho Knight gets here and locks the door for the final time and shuts off the porch light. Until then it is open with the sun beaming though, then as night falls I start closing the curtains and switch on the porch light waiting for him to get home and turn it back off. I sing Peanut a song and get him all tucked into his bed where I can hear him chattering to himself until he falls asleep. Then its time to tidy up, surf the net, be alone.

After PK gets home and locks the door the TV comes on and I finish dinner. Then the lights go off and the soft glow of the green ring on the X-Box accompanies the TV. We sit and talk and snuggle until I'm so tired that I start falling asleep on my Love's shoulder and decide that I need to go to bed.

As I kiss him goodnight, tell him I love him, walk up the stairs and into our bed I can still hear the TV and see it's soft flickering. It's my night light and my lullaby. My home secure and tucked in for the night I drift off to sleep. Soon after I'm barely awoken by the warm body climbing into bed next to me and wrapping his arms around me pulling me close where I sleep until morning.

This house is my home and I love it at night the most.

Swt

Osama bin Laden

2011-05-24T13:18:00.002-05:00

Now that all the hype surrounding bin Laden has died down I feel like I can write about it. I know there was supposed to be a camping post, but I am writing this on my lunch break at work so I don't have access to my pictures.

The night that Osama bin Laden was killed was like any other night. I was just about to step into the shower when Pyscho Knight called up to me and said "BABE! Come here!" I went downstairs and he told me that bin Laden had been killed. I said "Great, it's about time." and sat down to watch the news report. I knew Obama would be speaking on it soon so I went and took my shower then came back down to watch our president address the nation. I wasn't expecting the news report that came after the address.

In that next report they showed all the people cheering in the streets and my stomach dropped. I will not argue that this man was horrible and deserved to be killed. I won't debate that it was necissary; although I have doubts about that too. What I will debate is that above all, a man was killed. There is NO reason to celebrate a murder the way a lot of Americans did. There were times that I cried becasue of everything that was going on.

It's scary to me because I know that there will likely be retaliation, which means more of our loved ones will die also. And more innocents will die. But more than anything it depresses me; it hurts my heart to think that we are no better than the people that paraded our dead soldiers bodies up and down the streets and celebrated.

That week I went on a media strike; I refused to watch then news, look at news sites, and anything about bin Laden that came up on my reader got "marked as read" before I even looked at it. I am just now starting to process all of this and deal with the anger it fills me with. PK and I had many conversations about how murder is not to be celebrated under any circumstance. It helped us both work through the anger and it was good to realize that we were on the same page and could support each other.

I try not to let things like this get to me, but sometimes you can't help but feel it.

Swt

Happy Birthday Peanut!

2011-05-21T22:28:00.003-05:00

This is Peanut's birthday post. We had an amazing time and my side of his family and his dad's side seemed to do pretty well together. His dad showed up late, like we all knew he would and he wandered about being a douche, like we knew he would but there was no drama so I'm satisfied. On my side of the equation was Psycho Knight. He left early because Will was pissing him off. I was mad for awhile, but I realize that he gave all he had to give and left before he lost control. I'm still not thrilled that he bailed, but I'll get over it.

We totally forgot to the the obligatory eating cake picture, so we took that one on his actual birthday while he was eating cream puffs. His birthday was on Mother's Day this year which made it just amazing.

Sorry it took so long to get this post up. Things have been so crazy lately. Tomorrow will come the camping post. It might be a few weeks before I do the pumping series, I'm working on a couple of guest posts for that week. I'm looking for an exclusively pumping mom that can give us her perspective.

Love,
Swt

100 Things About Me...That I Don't Think You Know

2011-05-17T12:06:00.002-05:00

I promise that starting tomorrow we will have regular posts again. I have kind of been hiding from the world. Well, I'm back. Tomorrow and Thursday we will have picture posts from Peanut's birthday and from my camping trip last weekend. Then next week I am doing a week long series about pumping.

On to the list!

My name is Sarah Elizabeth, this translates to Princess and Gift from God, it was a given that I would be spoiled.

I really want to be part of a revolution.

The only reason I don't cover up when I breastfeed in public is because I found out that people will come over and look under my cover anyways.

Breastfeeding for as long as possible has become a challenge now, its less about what is best at this point.

I have only had 3 other "real" boyfriends besides Psycho Knight.

I'm not entirely sure why we have to give people we write about nicknames; I think first names would suffice.

My first concert was Britney Spears; this makes me hang my head in shame.

I may act kind of slutty, but I can count on my fingers and also name all of the people I have been intimate with.

I want to start a blog about sex.

I want to be a sex researcher.

I haven't painted since I lost my job at the pottery shop.

I may be more depressed than I am willing to admit.

Cleaning overwhelms me.

One of my personal mottoes is "Everyone deserves a secret...or 10."

I pick at my skin, especially the bumps on my arms, when I am depressed or anxious.

I recently found out that number 15 is a form of self mutilation. There is a name for it and everything, not that I remember what that name is.

Some days they anxiety is so bad that I can barely breathe when I think about getting out of bed and going to work.

I withdraw from Peanut and his needs when I get depressed. To make up for this I over compensate by forcing myself to be ultra attentive.

I really want another baby, like tomorrow.

While I want another baby, I am scared of giving birth again because I have had issues from the epidural and the Stadol they put me on was scary so I will do it naturally next time.

I love sensations; I will go out in the winter with no coat on just to feel the cold.

I got a new piercing a few months ago, but I can't tell you about it.

I am going to get a mermaid with wings tattooed on my back.

I know what almost all of the scars on my body are from.

I broke my wrist when I was 14 by punching a skateboard.

Apparently I broke m nose at some point; I have no idea when but they had to pierce around scar tissue then I got my septum pierced.

I hate talking on the phone.

The only text abbreviations I use are lol and omg.

I hate when people TyPe LiKe ThIs.

This list is harder than I thought it would be.

I would love to mentor a robotics team, but I don't have time.

I want to get my Girl Scout zip line and rappel instructor certification.

I hate public speaking, but I love the adrenaline rush that I get from it.

I spoke at graduation, but I graduated a year early and from the alternative school, so I don't really know most of the people I was talking to.

I live an alternative lifestyle that I can't tell you about.

I learned most of what I know about it from my aunt.

I do not remember most of high school.

The first thing I thought when I saw my son was "Oh good, he doesn't look like he has Downs Syndrome."

I still get angry when I think about how my labor went.

Psycho Knight, who was just my best friend at the time, was there when I had Peanut. Not in the room during the actual pushing, but he was there for most of the labor.

He has no idea how much that means to me.

I have a whole list of blog topics that I have never written about.

I have 40 drafts and 20 or so word documents that should be put on the blog.

Up until yesterday, I had no idea you could back up a blog. I need to do that.

I am addicted to Post Secret. I read it every Sunday.

I have never been brave enough to send in my secret. Maybe I will this week.

I am no brave enough to write about my secret; i have tried over and over.

I know you guys won't judge me any harder than I judge myself, but I can't bring myself to say it.

I have a lot of resentment for some members of my immediate family.

I love little things. I have a tiny turtle and a tiny pig on my computer at work.

One of my greatest pet peeves is using "good" where "well" should be used.

It's everything I can do not to correct my superiors when they make this mistake. I feel like it makes them sound uneducated.

I wonder how much of this you, my readers, already know.

I wonder how much of this you, my family and friends, already know.

I could never be a stay at home mom, but I would love to only work part time.

My plans are to get my IBCLC certification and to become a doula so that I can work for myself.

During the Summer, every time I get in my car I want to pick a direction and just keep driving until I run out of gas.

I know where I will end up if I go South.

When I get depressed I become a flight risk.

I almost always walk away from fights.

It is not to avoid conflict, it is to avoid hitting because I am afraid that I will hit and in return get hit.

That is part of why I have PTSD.

Sometimes I feel like I need counseling but I cannot make myself seek out help.

When I was younger counseling was always part of an ultimatum. It was counseling or the hospital.

I'm relieved that I am over 18 because it means that it is harder to have me committed if I go crazy again.

I never did land myself in a mental hospital, although I sometimes wonder if I should have gone.

I love camping; there is a magic about being outside and cooking on a fire and seeing the stars.

I feel nauseous when I think about what happens when we die.

I still hate cooking, but I am realizing that I am fairly good at it.

I didn't even notice when blogger was down.

I really want to build a muscle car.

I am a good welder but I need to practice more.

I miss working with my dad on the weekends. I hope he gets some side work that he needs my help on soon.

My dad is going to build Peanut a dune buggy; I'm jealous and I better get to drive it.

I learned how to drive in a Ford F350 cable truck.

I loved that truck very much and would drive a big truck if I could afford to.

I used to shave almost my whole body.

I find men with facial hair more attractive than those without.

Psycho Knight is sexy, he is even more sexy when he hasn't shaved in a few days and is scruffy.

Psycho Knight used to have hair down to his ass and he dyed it black. I miss the long hair and in my mind he will always have black hair.

One of the first things he ever said to me was "You aren't wearing underwear." in front of my boyfriend.

I constantly update my Facebook with quotes from him.

This list is turning out to have a lot about PK.

I like reading books about people with issues like drug problem and psychiatric disorders because they make me feel less crazy.

I love beer.

I do not believe in drinking when you are sad or depressed; it's called escapism and I think it is wrong.

I never drink to get drunk.

My favorite alcohol is Wood Chuck.

Sometimes I really miss smoking weed.

I stopped when my ex stopped 3 years ago.

I have never been swimming in the ocean.

I am always scared that when I swim in a lake I will step on a dead person. I blame my parents love for CSI type shows for this fear.

My monthly La Leche League meeting is my safe place.

At first I hated the color green that the walls in my house are painted, it's staring to grow on me.

I feel very strongly about giving blood and STD testing.

One year in high school I gave all of my friends condoms for Valentine's Day.

That is ironic because I have a kid and they don't.

Sometimes I still feel like I am 16.

Sometimes I wake up and think that I need to remember to call my Grandma Daisy today; she died 4 years ago and I miss her dearly.

I have really missed blogging.

If you read that whole thing you are amazing and really care about me, or you are super bored and had nothing better to do. I'm excited about the posts coming up and hope you all will enjoy them. Feel free to email me if I stay away too long again.

Swt

Right...Now I Remember

2011-04-26T21:52:00.003-05:00

Sometimes when you feel like your world might cave in, you forget why you've done the things you've done. With all the hours Psycho Knight had been working I was feeling sorry for myself; it was all about me. I've said before that depression is a horribly selfish disease and sometimes even when you are doing alright, the selfish of it comes out. I was being selfih becasue I was loonely and resentful; I had moved up here for him and then he just left me here all alone. I had a pity party and bitched and moaned about it. It's time to stop now.

Last night we had a great night. I hadn't felt well and Peanut wasn't feeling well either. I ended up staying home and sleeping most of the day. When PK finally got home I was excited to see him. I had been lonely, but for the first time in awhile I was just happy that I got to be with him. We laughed and wrestled and played all niight. We didn't go to bed until way late and I had to wake up way too early like I do every morning. But it was so worth it. I got to reconnect with my man I was reminded of why I came up here and made the sacrifices that I did. I made them because I love him and he is worth it.

It's really easy to get caught up in what we have given up; it's a lot harder to remember what we have gained inspite of the hardships. Money has been so tight, and then his car died, and then he was working too much, and stuff with my job was not going like I thought it was. It was hard. Being a grown up is HARD! So much harder than I ever thought it could be. But I get to sleep with my partner every night, I get to kiss him goodbye every morning, I get a constant shoulder to lean on when I need it. And you know what...I don't need it as often as I used to. This is what being content is. For the first time I do not have anything to be scared of and I know that it will stay that way.

I remember why I thought he was worth it...it's because he is worth it and always has been. And my happiness is worth it.

Time for a Tailspin

2011-04-10T19:56:00.003-05:00

I am totally burnt out. I am giving everything I can, and I'm pretty sure it isn't enough. I go to work everyday, cook dinner almost every night, put the baby to bed, clean the house as much as I can stand to, so the laundry and listen to the air raid that is our washer, then go to bed and start all over again. I don't have time to be me. Oh, and I'm starting classes again in less than a week.

I'm terrified that I can't do this. I know that I don't really have a choice, but every time I think about the to-do list I just want to cry. There is so much that has to be done and right now it's mostly on me to get it done. Psycho Knight is working a lot of extra hours right now, and that will be over pretty soon, but even then, Thursday through Monday still falls in my lap.

I'm trying to do too much and none of it is being done as well as it should be. I feel like I'm not being the best mom I could be and above all, that breaks my heart. This weekend especially has been hard. I took away his pacifier Becca's it is best for him, but he has been crying all weekend. Yesterday he also nursed all day, which was nice, I needed that connection again.

On top of all this, I'm just kind of down. I think between the medication I'm taking for my milk supply, all the stress recently, and not taking good care of myself I am setting myself up for a tailspin. I know damn good and well that this could go very badly very quickly and that I need to stop it before the spinning gets so fast that I can't pull myself out of it. I can't afford to be crazy and I also can't afford the stress that will put on my family.

Time to figure out a plan I guess.

Swt

Fail...

2011-03-28T00:19:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I kind of suck at this posting thing. There are a few posts written in my head, I have just yet to get them into written words.

Life is crazy right now. I'm finally mostly moved in with Psycho Knight; there is still some stuff at my parents house, but most of it is here now. It's been kind of a fun adventure learning how to be a real grown up. There is a post about that coming up sometime soonish. It's also been one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced.

PK has taken on a bunch of extra hours at work because we have to buy a new car since his died. What this means is that he doesn't have ANY days off until April 12 and that he stays for most of the overtime. What this means for me is that I don't get to spend any time with my best friend and boyfriend; I miss him. I feel kind of isolated. I come home from work and have no friends up here so I sit around and the eventually cook dinner, then he comes home, we eat and go to bed. I'm lonely and it's really testing my ability to not be resentful.

I'm doing a really bad job at taking care of myself right now because everything revolves around making sure things run smoothly at home. I'm taking care of PK and Peanut, and that leaves very little time for myself.

This is so hard.

Swt

How Pumping Keeps Me Sane

2011-03-11T16:58:00.002-06:00

I hate pumping breast milk with all my heart. It doesn't feel good and it's stressful for me. It interrupts my day and sometimes I just want to scream.

But I love it.

It was really hard for me to leave Peanut during the day when I went back to school full time, it was even harder when I started working full time. At least when I was just in school I was only gone for 4 or so hours and could then pick him up if I wanted to. But working all day without him was really hard at first. I missed him more than I could imagine. And then I had this machine hooked up to me making me feel even more like a cow. I was resentful to say the least.

That is until one day when I realized that pumping was my time to be a mom again. I work with pregnant, breastfeeding women, and infants every day; that is hard to do when you know that you can't be with your baby.

One day I randomly decided to take my ID tags off and lock my computer while I pumped; I'm not really sure why I thought I should, but it was a good choice. I took out a parenting book and read while I pumped. I relaxed more than I usually did which meant that I got more milk.

When I thought about it later I realized that I needed to get back into Mommy mode while I pumped. I am the only person that can provide the perfect breast milk to my son and pumping meant that I could do that while also providing for him in another way.

On the days that I miss him the most I close my eyes and just think about him and how nice it will be when I get home and get to snuggle and play with him.

He is 10 months old now and starting to lose interest in nursing. I am going to keep doing my be to get him to a year, and then I am going to stop pumping at work except for at lunch. I love our early morning session that we have right before we get ready for the day so we will keep that as long as possible. But my supply is low and he won't nurse at all unless he is half asleep, so I see weaning probably in the fairly near future.

Random note - I think I might starting writing blog posts while I pump. I feel like I want to do something productive but that is still related to my mothering, and this blog is part of my identity as a mom. So we'll see.

Swt

The Magic of Other Moms

2011-02-24T19:10:00.004-06:00

It's always magical when women circle and talk, celebrate, support and share their stories. That is one of the things that I love about La Leche League; it is a time where I get to be myself and share with other moms that come from all different walks of life about the one thing that unites us: breastfeeding.

This week sharing with other moms about breastfeeding has been a major theme. As it turns out, this is the week that I have needed it most. I have the most painful plugged duct and I am doing everything I can to get rid of it. But it's times like these that moms wonder why they continue to nurse. The different types of pain associated with it, the problems that arise. And then as your baby gets older, the battle it can become every time you sit down to nurse and your nursling doesn't want to. It's hard and sometimes knowing that it's best for your baby isn't enough. Sometimes you need those other women around your to push you on.

Monday I was having a terrible day with a lot of stress and I could feel the duct starting to get sore. Nothing was going right and then there was Baby Daddy stress that I just couldn't deal with. After I got home from work I took a shower and a nap before La Leche Leage at 7:30. I woke up a little late and then stressed myself out even more trying to get there on time. That didn't work, but when I finally did get there, I relaxed immediately. It's amazing what knowing you are in a safe place can do for you. We had an awesome meeting; I smiled and laughed and told stories and learned with all the other moms that I have grown to value as trusted friends.

Then Tuesday rolled around. There was more fighting and bitching and just a really long morning. Then this 17 year old girl walked into my clinic. She was fully breastfeeding a 13 day old infant and was terrified. She said that he wasn't getting anything, she couldn't hear him swallowing. We decided to weight the baby and he had lost about 2 ounces in just a few days. Obviously something needed to change. I asked her if I could watch her nurse and so we went back to my office and she started nursing. She was hunched over the baby and looked like she was in pain. I got her to lean back and relax and positioned her arms differently. She said it still hurt. Then I noticed the baby's latch. His lips were curled in funny. I got his bottom lip pulled out and she goes "that's better!" and started to tear up. That made all the days of training and waiting around worth it. I needed to be able to help that mom and she needed me to help.

On to Wednesday. We had our monthly staff meeting where all of the WIC employees at all of the clinics that our parent hospital runs come together. During our break 4 of us went to pump. Most of us do not work with another pumping mom so we sat in the lactation suite and pumped together and shared stories again. By this time I was pretty certain that my plugged duct was turning into mastitis and was telling the other ladies there about it. They obviously couldn't make it feel better, but they did make me feel better and remind me why I keep doing this.

It doesn't matter how well you know someone, all of us moms, no matter what parenting choices we make, are united by the fact that we are moms. We are untied with the ones here with us, the ones that have gone before us, and the ones that will come after us. On those long nights or days when you feel the most alone, just remember how many other moms are out there with you.

Swt

Change = Fear

2011-02-21T23:31:00.002-06:00

I'm scared. There, I said it. I'm fucking terrified. I am on the brink of really, really HUGE changes and they are scaring the crap out of me. My Facebook status the other day said something about how scary it is when you realize that your biggest goals are finally coming into reach. For me, right now, there are a lot of big projects that will lead to my big goals coming up.

First, I am moving in two weeks. I am excited, but also intimidated. I have never given this much of myself to someone. When you have distance you are able to keep an emotional part of your self distanced from someone; you are more able to hide the ugly and the scary. But when you live with someone, they get to see it all; all the undesirable parts of you. I know that when I get depressed it scares those around me. I also know what it feels like to be the one that is scared. It's not fun and you never know what that person is capable of. The last time I got really bad they all thought I was going to kill myself. Who knows, maybe I would have.

Next on the list is going back to school, again. I ended up taking this semester off because of a mishap with my online classes. So I am switching schools and also some of my degree path.

Which leads me to probably the biggest of all. By the end of next year, I should have everything I need to qualify to sit for the IBCLC exam. I want to become a lactation consultant and with this job, it's really within reach. I want this so bad I can taste it, and now here it is, all ready for me to start work on.

The last is that Peanut is finally old enough that I can start working on the requirements for becoming a La Leche League leader. I love LLL and I really want to do my part to help other moms. They are getting all of that information together for me so that I can finally start working on it.

This is all a lot to take in. It's going to be a huge year for me and I'm really excited to finally have things to work towards again, but it's scary and it's a lot of change. I feel like I'm ready for it and I'm guessing that there will be at least quarterly breakdowns.

Swt

Conflict Resoultion?

2011-02-13T22:55:00.002-06:00

Apparently I hate conflict of, really, any sort. It makes me nauseous and panic-y. Psycho Knight and I are having a disagreement about some family stuff and I really just want to drive out to his house and snuggle up with him and make everything ok.

We got off the phone on a bad note, even though we still said "I love you." But now, even trying to tell him that I am dropping this whole thing, he won't answer my texts. I know this is just how he deals with conflict and I know that it is to avoid hurting me, but it breaks my heart. It's the best way to hurt me.

In my past silence meant that things were at their worst. It meant that the conversation was over and that I was in trouble and that a shitstorm was coming soon and probably a break up. Further in my past it meant that it would be continued in person possibly in a physical way. Silence scares me.

I don't know how to put this into words to him. I don't know if it would matter if I did.

This hurts even more because he is my best friend. If I were dating someone else and this happened, I would call him. I can't do that right now.

As my friend JJ says "relationships have the potential to ruin everything." Feels kind of true right now.

Swt

Ok, It's Time

2011-02-12T17:42:00.002-06:00

Yes, I know, I am still a horrible blogger. It happens. I'm just really not sure what to write about. There are a few funny things happening at work, but since you people can figure out where I work, I can't really tell you about them because it breaches my contract. Patient privacy and all that.

I'm moving out in two weeks. That isn't very long at all. I'm so excited, but also scared shitless. It will mean being on my own with the baby most of the time and I will be his primary care taker all by myself. That is a daunting task. It also means that next weekend I need to buy boxes and start packing. Seems like a good time to clean stuff out and get rid of some of the extras. Psycho Knight and I need to talk tonight about what day I am actually moving in. It will probably be without his help since he works weekends. I'm thinking the 5th and 6th of March. That is the weekend after my birthday, so that seems pretty reasonable.

I think I'm going to tell you guys what all is going with me.
For Peanut's rooms I will be taking:

Changing table/dresser
Pack n' Play
Bookshelf
Closet organizer
Exerciser

For myself we have:

Bookcases that will go in the basement in my art area(!!!!)
Futon that will either go in Peanut's room or the guest room
Night stand
TV stand

That is about all the furniture that I'm taking. I am also buying a big "L" shaped desk that matches my book shelves to go in my art area. We really have to buy a stove, like now, because I will not live on fast food like he does.

The more I think about this the more nervous I get. I'm so scared that once we actually live together we will figure out that we can't stand each other. I really don't want that to happen. It would totally break my heart. I don't think that would happen, but you never know. Hmm.

Well I'm out of here. Time to head back north so I can be there when PK gets home. Love you guys.

Swt

No Flog Yo Blog Post Tomorrow

2011-01-13T20:18:00.002-06:00

I actually had a post picked out for tomorrow, but Lori over at RRSAHM (she is in charge of FYBF) is going though a very hard time. I do not know any details at all, but something happened with her husband and he did something completely out of character. This put him in ICU and it was not looking good. And then he opened his eyes and then the next I heard he was gone.

His name is Tony, her name is Lori and they have 2 young kids. Tomorrow is his funeral. Please light a candle or pray or think positive thoughts for Lori and her family. She is very strong and will get though this, but it's going to be hard.

Tomorrow on my blog instead of a FYBF, there will me a virtual moment of silence. Please click the link up there at the top and go leave her comments with your love and support.

Lori - I love you and my heart is with you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing else really to say except that you are being held in a lot of hearts and there is a lot of love coming your way.

Swt

Linky

2011-01-13T02:23:00.001-06:00

Here is the link to my newest post on my other blog. I will warn you, there will be a lot of talk about sex and possibly some not so pretty stuff. So if you would like to read it, please feel free, but that blog is uncensored.

http://thetruthaboutmom.blogspot.com/2011/01/breastfeeding-is-great-for-everyone.html

Swt

This Isn't Fun, Not Even Remotely

2011-01-10T01:12:00.003-06:00

Back in November I wrote this post about how I thought that I was probably depressed. I'm pretty sure that I was correct in that assumption. I'm still really down and it's not really getting better. In fact, it may be getting worse. I don't know.

I have no real drive to do anything, not sleeping for shit, and I mostly want to cry. It has to start getting better soon or I am going back to therapy. I hate therapy, but it is a billion times better than anti-depressants. Through talking with close friends and doing some research, I have realized some things about myself that I think would be important to look into further with a therapist.

As for this not sleeping thing; it's killing me. Friday night my good friend The Bombshell spent the night, the theory being that I was lonely and thus not sleeping well. Well that didn't help. I still didn't sleep. Then last night I spent the night with Psycho Knight and still didn't really sleep. Once I finally got to sleep I stayed that way longer, but that may have been exhaustion.

On to happier news. I finally got the job with W.I.C. as a breastfeeding peer counselor. I am so excited about this and it came just as I was about to give up. I have training on the 19th and 20th and then I start working the following Monday. Maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel and the dark is finally lifting. I can only hope.

Swt

Post Number 150

2011-01-06T01:42:00.002-06:00

I haven't written anything in quite awhile and I honestly don't know why. Well that's a lie, I do know. I always get a little depressed around the holidays for a few reasons but one of them being that I just have nothing that I have to do so I get a bit down.

I'm having a pretty rough night tonight. I'm sad and I really want to cry and scream and all that jazz, but alas, I cannot. I get lonely at night when no one is around to talk to, that is why I can never live by myself, I will drive myself mad. But anyways, it is nights like tonight that I need someone to snuggle with most, but my boyfriend is 40 miles North so I can't just stop in for a hug. I do have other people that I can hug, but he is really the only one that I want. Ah well, as my friend, lets call him Arkansas, told me, "Everything is ALWAYS worse in the dark of night." That proves true all the time and I'm glad he has shared that bit of wisdom with me because I really need t sometimes. Tomorrow will be better and I will feel better. And if I don't I will drive to Psycho Knight's house tomorrow night after he gets off work and get my damn hugs.

On to the point of this post. I meant to write about my New Year's Resolutions on New Year's Eve, obviously that did not happen. So now is as good a time as ever to write about this lovely subject.

Blog 3 times per week and do all 52 Flog Yo Blog Fridays. Another part of this resolution is that I want to have at least 100 followers by the end of the year and that I would like to make a bit of money off this sucker.
Lose 60 pounds. I will share a piece of information now that I have previously been ashamed of; I weigh 260 pounds. I am also incredibly tall so it's spread out fairly well, but really, that is too much. What goes along with this is that I am going to go back to eating healthy like I did when I was late in my pregnancy and early breastfeeding days and start working out in some fashion. I would like to get down to at least a size 14 (I'm a size 20 now) and be able to run without getting winded. This is less about my appearance and more about how I actually feel and how I feel about myself.
I need to learn to cook if I am ever going to move out, so I am going to start cooking at least 2 meals per week that I have never made before.
As a mom I feel like I need to be cloth diapering more; I've gotten terribly lazy with the laundry and it's really been bugging me.
Also on the mom front, I need to wear Peanut more especially when I am employed again. We really need that connection now more than ever.
And this resolution is for Peanut; it is time to wean off that damn pacifier. I need to look up more information on how exactly one goes about doing that, but it has to happen.

So there you have it. I am planning on writing about how my resolutions are going once a month or so. So we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for a wonder 2010 readers and here is to an even better 2011.

Swt

*By the way, the entire time I was writing this post my internal voice sounded like Russell Brand because I have been reading his Booky Wook and it is amazing, but he is in my head now.

Apparently I Am More Broken Than I Thought

2010-12-26T21:20:00.002-06:00

This post is going to come out sounding like I blame my exs for my issues; I really do not blame them, at least not entirely. There is a lot of blame to be placed on myself for making poor decisions but they do get a little bit of the blame.

Last night I told Psycho Knight that I was trying to figure out another name for Peanut to call him instead of just Psycho and that dad was out. He texted back "ouch." I asked what was wrong and his response was that it stings that Peanut cannot call him dad because of Will. Then he just stopped texting me. I knew he had to go to his family's house after work for Christmas but I was assuming that he would call me when he got off like he always does. Well time kept passing and still no call. So I sent him a text asking if he was off. He said that he was with his family. I told him to call me later and that I loved him. No reply. Then I asked if he was ok, he said yes and that was all.

I was freaking out because he wasn't answering me at all and in my mind that means that there is a big problem and that a fight will probably ensue. As it turns out, he just didn't want to be rude and text during family time and he had no way of knowing that I would freak out about it.

That is how I figured out that I am pretty much h screwed up from my past relationships. When I say relationships I mean the only 2 real ones that I have had with Will and Joker.

I met Joker when I was 15 and we started dating just a few weeks later. He lived pretty far away so I didn't really have a good idea of what he was really like. When he moved closer I found out that he was abusive. We would get in yelling matches and then I would get in his face or push him and then a fist fight would start. I stuck around for 2 and a half years and went through a lot of shit that no young teenager should ever have to go though. One day when I was driving we got into a fight in my car and he tried to choke me, that should have been the last straw but it wasn't. We had a lot of fights and somehow I never left with visible bruises. My parents didn't find out about the abuse until I was with Will.

When I met Will I was just a few months away from graduation and I didn't really think I'd see him much after. Well the December after I graduated I left Joker and by March I was with Will. Things were ok, not perfect, but we were making it work. I got pregnant when we had been together for about 4 months and one of those months he was out of town. While I was pregnant I spent a lot of time over at his house and he made my cry pretty much everyday. He would say things just to get a rise out of me and upset me, but I was convinced that we had to make it work for the baby. We were even talking about getting married. We put on our happy faces around other people and acted like we were both perfectly happy. Things went downhill when he continued to not have a job or his GED and was not trying at all to get either one. He wouldn't do the things he said he would like come over or take me out. Then when it was time to take the child birth classes he bailed on me right in the middle so I didn't have a partner when it came time to practice stuff in the class; I knew that was a precursor as to what was coming. When we went to the hospital the day I was induced he was late picking me up first. Then when we got there he was in and out all day. I was in labor for 6 hours and I'm sure he was gone for 3 of them. I needed him to rub my back during the contractions but he wouldn't, that's how I ended up with an epidural. He stayed the 2 nights at the hospital with me, but he left a few hours after the baby was born and didn't come back until very late that night. I was trying to get some rest but he was in and out of my room all night. When I needed him he couldn't be there for me. The final straw came one night when we were fighting. He cornered me against my car and I thought be was going to hit me and he intentionally scared me by doing that, I told him I was leaving because the baby was crying and he told me that I never cared about him crying before so why did I now? Then as I was getting in the car he slammed the door on me. We had multiple conversations about how if we were fighting he couldn't get in my face because it triggered me and scared me, so when he used that against me I knew I could not stay with him.

All of this has led me to have a very warped view of relationships. I don't know what it means to be loved and respected and treated well. I don't know what it means to not have to be afraid of getting hurt by my partner. Both of my exs were terribly jealous and never trusted me so I now feel like I have to over explain myself to PK but one day he told me that he trust me with his life. I realized that I have no idea what to do with that kind of trust. One of the benefits to dating my best friend is that I trust him, too. I have trusted him the entire time he was been my friend so it just makes sense that I would still have that same trust in him.

For those of you that actually know me, I am really sorry if this was hard for you to read. There is some very unpleasant stuff in here and I can imagine that it would hurt if I read this about one of my friends or family members. I feel very vulnerable posting this, but I feel like I have been hiding these old hurts for a very long time and by putting them out here for the world to read will hopefully help to heal the wounds a little bit more.

Swt

Oh Man, This Is Going to Be Tough

2010-12-23T22:23:00.002-06:00

Psycho Knight is working late tonight, like until 1:30. He is a TSA agent(that's why you won't hear me bitching about TSA policies) so especially during the holidays he gets stuck working late because of delays. This is the first night in over a month that I haven't gotten to talk to him. I texted his around 10 am until he went to work, but still have not actually spoken to him. Most of the time while he is at work he doesn't have his phone so I haven't even really gotten to text him for a few hours now. It's driving me nuts.

So what is so terribly hard? Nothing yet. When I move in with him though these nights are going to kill me. I have been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship and how it is growing and changing daily and I keep coming to the conclusion that I want to live with him. I'm still holding off until March, but I keep leaving stuff there so that I don't have to drag it back and forth every week when I stay with him.

There are some challenges I can already see when I move in. First there is the weirdness with Will and making sure everyone is comfortable as possible with the child care situation. Then there is the fact that PK is not used to having to deal with a crying baby all night and sometimes that just happens. I will not have any friends up there(he lives 45 minutes away) and that will be pretty hard on me. His "weekend" is Tuesday and Wednesday so if I get this job with WIC and have Saturday and Sunday off, we won't get weekends together. The last part is that he works until 8:30 at least every night. There are going to be some very, very lonely nights for me and I'm really worried about that.

I know that everything will work out just fine and I can make friends up there, but I think about the what ifs way too much.

I'm thinking that I will write about PK and I's history soon because it is kind of a funny story.

Swt

Today Is a Magical Day

2010-12-21T01:56:00.002-06:00

Actually right now is magical. Tonight is a full moon, and an eclipse, and it's Solstice. I am not terribly religious in any way, but I do believe in the a lot of the Pagan and earth based ways, that's really all that needs to be known about that.

The eclipse is absolutely amazing and Peanut got to see a little bit of it. We stood on T.K.'s drive way and just stared at it with him for awhile. There is a certain energy that I could feel all day and now that the eclipse is happening it is even more powerful. I feel drawn to outside, I want to go sit in the grass and feel the breeze and watch that amazing moon disappear for a few minutes.

I went outside and sat in the grass and said a prayer to the Universe. I asked it to protect my loved ones and myself and said thank you for all of the blessings that have been bestowed on me. I asked the Gods to watch over my burdens for the night and told them that I will gladly pick them back up in the morning, but for tonight, I need to be free if only for a few hours. I feel lighter now, and I got this feeling that everything will work out. I trust this feeling.

As of now, it is Winter. A season full of the much needed death for the rebirth in the spring. This feels very symbolic to me right now. There is a lot of my old life dying and being put to rest, but this new life that is coming is full of new opportunities and a different me. Only a few ore days left of this year, and then on to a fresh new one.

I'm going to bed now, with the blinds open, I want to soak up as much of this new energy as I can.

Swt

Sometime You Have to Talk About the Hard Stuff

2010-12-19T21:01:00.002-06:00

Psycho Knight and I are getting fairly serious; I'll probably be moving in with him sometime in the next few months. When you have a child with someone other than the man you are dating there are a lot of logistics to deal with. When someone wants to be with me they have to also want to be with my son, we're a package deal.

So what are these logistics I speak of? Well first off the co-sleeping thing. We are working on transitioning Peanut into his own bed because it is unfair to expect PK to go from sleeping alone to sleeping with me and a baby; and I'm assuming that it would make Will uncomfortable to know that another man is sharing a bed with his kid. The next on the logistics list is that Peanut has to have a room when we move in. That means not only am I moving in and taking over part of the house, but he loses a whole room also. These aren't all that major for PK and I to deal with, these are the easy tasks to manage.

The harder ones are not so black and white. I have no idea what role PK will play in Peanut's life. Assuming we get married, PK will be Peanut's step-dad, but what should the kid call PK? Should he be called by his first name, maybe a name alternative for dad? I just really have no idea. What about discipline? Will and I do not spank and I will not allow PK to spank my child, but to what extent will PK be an authority figure?

I know all of this depends on how quickly things progress and what happens with Will. All of this really scares me though, I'm afraid that we will totally fuck with this child's mind and he will never really understand how relationships and families work.

Swt

It's Facebook Official

2010-12-12T02:49:00.004-06:00

Me: So I'm changing my relationship status...

Psycho Knight: We're getting there.

I just cant decide between "it's complicated" and "open relationship"

Well open relationship would imply a boyfriend/ girlfriend thing

So maybe I should put open relationship

Are you asking me to go steady? lol

Maybe

:)

Is that a yes?

Hellz yeah

So there you have it. Apparently I have committed at least in some form. It's freaking me out a little, but in a fun/I want to puke kind of way. Already this relationship is different than the last ones. With the others I never really cared if I saw them a lot, but I want to see PK all the time and it breaks my heart when I have to leave. And all these dumb songs on the radio remind me of him. It's so adorable I want to punch myself in the face sometimes.

Swt

It That Time Again

2010-12-08T00:02:00.005-06:00

Yup! Time for the 2011 Creating Your Goddess Year Workbook and Planner by the lovely Goddess Leonie over at Goddess Guidebook. I wrote some about the 2010 version this past year here and here. I am super stoked about it this year because 2010 has been a crazy year with a lot of change and scary things for me so I want to make next year better and so far it is already looking up.

Right now I am working on Celebrating and Releasing 2010

The incredible thing I discovered about myself in 2010 was..
That sometimes it is ok for me not to be strong. When my world is changing it is completely ok to break down and cry.
2010 led me to...
The realization that other love and care for me even with all of my flaws. 2010 also may have led me back to love, we'll have to see.
I am proud of myself for...
Knowing that I needed to leave Will and realizing that I need to take care of myself first sometimes.
I know myself now more because...
I have been trying harder to listen to my body and my heat about what I need.
I was transformed this year by...
Having my son. I went from not having a purpose to having the most important job in the entire world.
I let go of...
The one regret that I have held onto for the past few years. It ultimately led to my son so I cannot keep regretting it anymore. I also let go of another unhealthy relationship.
I am happy because of...
My son. Raising him is the hardest, scariest thing I have even done, but it is also the most rewarding. He came right when I needed him to.

The next objective was to fill up a page with everything I am grateful for from 2010

Peanut
A family that supports me
Letting go of the past and moving on
New beginnings
Hope
New love
Reconnecting with friends
The strength to move on
Good friends
Losing my job at Pottery Playland
New opportunities
Love in unexpectated places
New pottery shop failed
School
Learning to open my heart
BLOGGING AND MY READERS <3
Breastfeeding and La Leche League
Recovering from postpartum depression
Sex
My health
New friends
A safe home
No one died

I had a nice night reflecting on 2010 and tomorrow we will be working on Invoking 2011

Swt

The Ice Queen Is Dying

2010-12-06T10:13:00.002-06:00

I have been an Ice Queen for a pretty long time now. Displays of emotion don't go over well with me so I pretend to be indifferent.

Before we get further in I need to explain the back story. I have been dating my male best friend Psycho Knight. He is not my boyfriend and we are not exclusive but we have been seeing each other. Well he found some stuff that his ex left behind and it brought up a lot of old hurt for him.

Well since PK is my best friend he obviously told me about it and then something unexpected happened. It made me really sad. It made me feel like I am second best and that he is settling for me because he can't have her.

That is when I did something crazy. I told him how I feel, and believe it or not, it actually helped. I am learning that being Ice Queen may protect me from getting hurt, but it also keeps me from feeling emotions like I should. In order to make the relationship with PK work, I have to be able to put myself out there and express how I feel in appropriate ways.

I am trying really hard to be completely present in this and build something totally honest and real with him. It's hard and it is scaring the living shit out of me, but he is worth it.

Pretty soon here he and I are going to have to sit down and have a conversation about our pasts because there is some less than pretty stuff there for both of us. I think we both need to know what we are getting into before it comes up unexpectedly later on.

<3 Swt

Sorry Dudes

2010-12-05T21:16:00.004-06:00

Ok, so I feel like a traitor. I have a new blog. I am not going to link to it because it is going to deal with more personal stuff. And it will talk about things that a lot of you in my real life do not want or need to know about me. We will be talking about sex, drugs and rock and roll and how being a mom impacts all of those things. Not really about the drugs, I don't do drugs (maybe I should share my philosophy about that in another post sometime). But I really don't think you guys want to know about my sex life. At least some of you. So if you do want to read the new blog, email me and I will send you the link.

I am still going to post on this blog. I promise.

<3 Swt

Here is my email if you want to read the new blog.
sweet_blood_09@hotmail.com

Three Statements

2010-11-28T22:40:00.002-06:00

I read this post over at Goddess Guidebook. It's an old post from when Goddess Leonie worked in an office still. One day her and some of her co-workers went out to lunch and she challenged them to all get 3 post-its and write and finish the following statements:

“I want to be brave enough to…”

“The thing that touches my heart most is…”

“I am a very lucky person because…”

It inspired me to finish them also. I am going to go backwards though because that way they will go from easiest to answer to hardest.

I am a very lucky person because even though I had a baby at 19, my family has stayed beside me and supported me. I have the most beautiful son in the entire world.

The thing that touches my heart most is the way Peanut's face lights up every time he sees me.

I want to be brave enough to say yes.

Share yours?

<3 Swt

Stupid Babies Making Me Cry

2010-11-22T13:01:00.004-06:00

*This was written a few days ago.

I wrote about how I try really hard not to be an emotional person right...about...here. I tend to keep it all in and only cry if I really have to. And when I do cry I usually feel very weak and it makes me angry. But there is one thing that I just cannot hold it in about. Birth stories. Beautiful ones, traumatic ones, it doesn't matter; they almost all make me cry at least a little.

On the drive to school today I heard one on the radio about this mom who was a senior in high school when she had her son and they deliver him by suction and it caused a temporal bleed and he had to be resuscitated and now has some terrible brain problems. He cant sit up or crawl or talk. It broke my heart. I wanted to reach out to this mom and hug her.

Then just a few minutes ago a read a wonderful birth story on Off Beat Mama. This woman had a lovely VBAC. I am so proud of her and I really wish I could talk to her in person and tell her this.

Birth is such an amazing and life affirming event. I may not care about much else, but if you want to tell me your birth story I will listen, but I will probably also cry.

<3 Swt

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Depressed

2010-11-22T09:19:00.002-06:00

I had a really hard day yesterday. Will and I got into it again and it just really took a toll on me. Add on to that all the relationship weirdness I'm going through right now and a baby that won't sleep. Yeah, I'm about a mess.

Last night when the baby started his crying and I couldn't calm him down all I could do was cry with him. I ended up taking him to my mom, tears in my eyes, and telling her I couldn't do it. She finally got him calmed down and he slept the rest of the night. But I hit my breaking point last night. Something has to give now.

I am still hopefully going back to Arkansas on Friday for a much needed break. Maybe getting away from here will help me clear my mind. I feel really terrible saying this, but a big part of me wishes I could leave the baby here. I am giving him all I can and it doesn't seem to be enough. No matter what I do, he cries. And my supply is really low. I'm just barely keeping up with how much he needs during the day. That in itself is a HUGE stress.

I have been trying really hard to reconnect with myself, but that seems to be getting me into trouble. I will say that my methods for doing so maybe are not the best in the world. I need to do something for myself that really is just for me. I'm not even sure what that might be.

Well, that's really about all I have to say about the world right now. Thanks for reading guys.

<3 Swt

Baby, Why Won't You Sleep?

2010-11-15T23:38:00.003-06:00

I want to start off by saying that I am blessed to have such an amazing baby. That being said, he has decided that sleep isn't his favorite activity. I'm so tired from all the fighting I have to do to get him to sleep. Some nights he cries for 2 or more hours.

I have been trying what I call "Modified Crying It Out." I don't just throw him in his crib and let him scream, instead I lay down with him and hold him until he wears himself out.

I really hate letting him cry like that, but nothing settles him down. Even though he is exhausted, he fights sleep so hard. We finally figured out that sometimes the rocking chair helps, but not always.

The problem is that when your baby is crying uncontrollably and you can't fix it, you feel like a lousy mom. I know that I am a good mom, but this would make anyone question their abilities.

On top of all my other stress, this one just makes everything else so much worse. He only cried for a few minutes tonight, so maybe the spell has been broken. We can always hope.

<3 Swt

I'm Giving All I've Got

2010-11-15T01:28:00.004-06:00

A conversation with my dear friends T.K. inspired this post. I told him that right now I am giving everything I have but I'm going to run out of steam pretty quickly. He asked what would happen then. My reply: I will get sick and my body will force me to stop. He tells me this is unhealthy, and I agree. But right now, this is the best I can do.

I don't think I'm in the best mental place that I could be right now. I'm having my "control issues" dream where I am fighting someone but I can't hit them. I know I'm having some issues but I don't know how to fix them. I'm not sleeping as much as I really need to and I'm not taking care of myself like I need to be.

I feel crazy when I get like this, like I'm not functioning correctly. I am trying really hard to find the right balance of everything and take care of everyone that needs taking care of. But at the same time I am trying to locate myself again. I think in the process of becoming a mom I lost my own sense of identity.

This all became clear to me last Wednesday when I was driving home from my male best friend's house. I was alone driving through downtown Kansas City and I lost it. I just started to cry. I wrote here about why I don't let myself cry. It's a control issue, who's surprised.

I took this picture on my webcam 5 minutes ago.

I feel bad for the girl looking back at me. She looks so sad and tired. She looks like she is trying to keep it together but failing rapidly.

I don't want to be her anymore.

<3>

Decision Making is Not One of My Strenghts

2010-11-14T12:43:00.002-06:00

When I was 16, I made some truly terrible decisions that really hurt me and damaged me. Ever since then, I pretty much suck at decision making. I mull over whether or not I am making the right choice or if it will turn out badly. I can think about 1 decision for months without ever coming to a conclusion. This isn't really the big part of the problem.

The big problem is that eventually I get bored with thinking about making a decision and I just jump in and do whatever I want to that day. A lot of the time I realize that I am about to do something potentially stupid and back track until I am back to just thinking about it, but some times I just close my eyes and jump.

This creates a problem if other people are involved. This method of decision making got me into a less than awesome relationship, almost made me quit school a time or two, and landed me with a birth that I didn't really want.

But sometimes my method works out. I graduated a year early and did 2 years worth of work in a semester and a half. I decided overnight that I was going to graduate in 2008 and I did it.

But back to the relationship[p part of things. I don't fall in love, I jump in a fight to make it love. That really isn't a good way to choose a partner. I am struggling with this right now. I wish I could make this whole thing less vague, but I can't give details on such a public forum.

<3 Swt

My Week in Status Updates

2010-11-05T09:17:00.002-05:00

As much as I would like to, I can't write about all my drama on here. I really, really want to, but it onvolves individuals besdes myself that may not want this story to play out on the internet. So instead of a post about the dramatic life that is mine, we will have my week in status updates. And...it's Flog Yo Blog Friday people. So at the bottom of the post I will put the instructions so you can join in too.

October 30th 1:05am
Actions speak louder than words; I may have forgotten that.

October 30th 1:07am
It's time for real posts again.http://18andknockedup.blogspot.com/2010/10/big-girls-dont-crythey-flog-blogs.html

October 30th 2:15am
I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

October 30th 3:53pm
Good parties with good friends? Yes please! I'll miss Peanut though.

October 30th 6:38pm
"She's called the Queen Fairy and she's quite the sight to see. The ships all maned by women, not a single bloke in sight."

October 31st 4:08am
had a crazy night. I needed a little break from being Mommy.

October 31st 10:05am
is really tired. I am totally unaccustomed to the party life. But I was a damn sexy pirate.

October 31st 3:58pm
Maybe you should not attack people about their religion while you are at work and in your uniform. They might just call your boss.

November 1st 8:58am
is really cold and even more tired.

November 1st 10:05am
The post about crazy chipotle boy is up http://18andknockedup.blogspot.com/2010/11/encounters-at-chipotle.html

November 1st 12:33pm
Pirate + cupcake = amazing

November 1st 11:55pm
My kid can undo his diaper; awesome.

November 2nd 1:09pm
Don't forget to vote people

November 3rd 12:11am
Karma is a bitch and she just punched me in the face.

November 3rd 1:36pm
Well my phone is too low to send or receive messages even though it is plugged in. And I need to talk to someone.

November 3rd 10:55pm
‎"Dream big little girls, and you too can one day strip for a president." - TW.

November 4th 9:15am
is tired and doesn't want to do this today.

November 4th 10:30am
This teacher just told us how many sentences to put in a paragraph. We're in college!!!!!!!!

November 4th 9:30pm
According to my mother, it is no shave no blender...not no shave November. Yeah.

Right now
It's hard to Facebook stalk someone that doesn't have anything worth stalking on their profile.

So thats my week in status updates. Some days I get a little status happy.

It's blog hopping time, here are the rules:

1. Follow my blog, the Random Ramblings of a SAHM. I never seem to get to reading all the links here. But believe me, I try. Not that any of this is my idea anyway- FYBF is MummyTime's brainbaby. I stole it.

2. Grab the bubbly button and post it on your sidebar.

3. Link your First Name and/or Blog Name and URL of your post or blog.

4. Add a short description (max of 125 chars). It could be a description of yourself, your blog or a teaser to your latest post. .

5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger.

The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays (and for the foreigners Friday as well).
A new and fresh link list will open every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list does not carry over to the following week.

<3 Swt

Encounters at Chipotle

2010-11-01T09:47:00.002-05:00

After the big Halloween thing at church yesterday, my friend Jules and I went to Chipotle for some much needed sustenance. We had a lovely lunch and were discussing how to fix the world when this little skinny guy in a Chipotle shirt came up to us and asked if he could talk to us.

First he asked if we believe in God. I asked which one. Then I told him that I tend to follow a Pagan path and that's where us all went to hell. He told me that Pagan only means that you believe in multiple gods. First off, that is the definition of polytheism, not Paganism and I told him this. Then he told me that the reason I don't believe in his god is because I hadn't had my revelation yet.

It's very hard to explain to someone that won't listen that I have in fact had my revelation, it just wasn't the same as his. Apparently, he "lived a life of sin" (whatever that means) and he found Jesus. I asked him why I am supposed to ask forgiveness for sins that I do not believe in. Because the Bible says so.

He told us that he believes in "The Truth" not science. We were sitting by a window and I asked him if it was real; he said yes. Then I asked him if the bible said it was not real, would he believe it. He said yes. So if the bible says it, it must be completely true. Jules asked him if he could survive being swallowed by a whale; as it turns out, he thinks he could if he prayed.

He told us that we are probably going to hell because I believe a lie and Jules isn't trying to shove shit down my throat so she obviously doesn't care about Jesus either. And heaven is in the sky and from what I gathered from what he was saying, hell is the Earth's core.

The bible is not open to interpretation, everything is word for word, so I asked if I should even be allowed to talk about religion since I'm female. He said yes, because the bible is interpreted differently now.

This lovely boy made the mistake of telling us him name. When we left I told him that maybe while he was on the clock and still in uniform, he shouldn't talk shit on other peoples religious beliefs.

We called his manager and totally ratted him out, hopefully he got fired. This whole thing just made my day because he is so ignorant, that he didn't even notice the 15 times we turned his words back on him.

Screwing with the mundane is just way too much fun.

<3 Swt

Big Girls Don't Cry...They Flog Blogs

2010-10-27T10:12:00.006-05:00

"Big Girls Don't Cry" is my favorite Fergie song. I love her voice anyways, but this song never fails to reach my heart. It is a mantra I have lived by for quite awhile.

I get very emotional about things and it really doesn't take a lot to make me cry; if I'm scared, upset, angry, or just overwhelmed I tend to cry. But I also have a lot of control issues and crying happens to be one of them. If someone makes me cry it freaks me out because I'm not in control. So when I was about 15 I taught myself not to cry unless I really had to. It actually worked for a pretty long time. Then somehow I started having a normal range of emotions again and the crying came back.

When I had the baby, something in my head told me that moms don't cry. So I really haven't. There has been a time or two, but nothing like it was.

With all of the drama that has been going on right now, I haven't cried. I have gotten pretty good at suppressing the urge and I like the feeling of control. I know this is not how my emotions are supposed to work and that I am probably messing up my emotional cycles, but, its my coping mechanism.

<3 Swt

Mommy Guilt

2010-10-27T09:54:00.004-05:00

It never fails, every time I drop Peanut off in the morning and go to school, I want to cry. I know that I am going to school for my future and for his; i keep telling myself that and it helps most of the time. But it still breaks my heart just a little bit everyday.

So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.

I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.

I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.

In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.

That's all I've got guys.

<3 Swt

It's 1 A.M.

2010-10-25T01:01:00.002-05:00

And I'm not sleeping. I should be sleeping, but instead I am blogging. That might make me a lame ass. I'm down though.

So what do you right about at 1 in the morning. I'm really not very sure. I read a blog about why Nestle is evil again. Same news as always really.

I feel like I should be writing about what it is like to be a teen mom and how my real life is going. There is just a lot of weirdness going on right now and I don't really want it all played out on the Internet so I'm thinking that it's not going to happen.

My Bestie is having some good luck in the romance department, so I'm stoked for her.

I don't know what I'm doing on here. Maybe I'll write my Flog Yo Blog Friday post so it's already to go. I've missed it the last 3 weeks.

<3 Swt

Avoidance

2010-10-20T23:07:00.003-05:00

I am really good avoiding things that I do not want to deal with. I know it is one of the things I need to get better at. So, what is it I am avoiding this time? Well, I'm getting depressed again.

I don't think it is a big one, I don't feel trapped in a hole; but I feel myself slipping. Things from my past have creeped back into my mind and I made a big mistake in my relationship with Will. On top of that, my personal relationships with everyone are suffering right now. I am having a huge power struggle that I need to fix.

The problem comes in here; I am too proud to ask for help or admit that there is an issue. I am not taking my anti-depressants anymore (selfish disease) so I am dealing with this pretty much on my own and it's not rainbows and butterflies.

One of my depression triggers is control. If I feel out of control, I lose it. The other big one is dates. There are some big dates for me in the Summer and Winter that trip me out. The Winter one is coming up and I'm not looking forward to it.

I want to be able to spill it all out on here, but I can't do that. To protect myself and my family, I have to keep things private.

What am I going to do about this looming depression before it eats me? I'm going to eat dark chocolate, spend more time in the sun, and give this exercising thing another shot.

That's about it. I'm also going to try to write more meaningful posts.

<3 Swt

I Have an Issue...

2010-10-20T09:30:00.003-05:00

With nursing shirts.

I have a couple, and they seem to be more hassle that a normal shirt is. First off, with mine you can see more skin through the nursing top than you can if I just wore a tank underneath a normal shirt and just lifted the top one.

The other issue I have is that the opening is not in a good place for my nipple and my kid keeps getting he shirt on his mouth so his latch sucks when he nurses when I wear this thing.

This post was a lot longer in my head...

<3 Swt

Oh I'm a Horrible Person

2010-10-14T10:35:00.002-05:00

Ok, so not really. But I have been neglecting the blog. Monday will mark the 1 year anniversary of my little blog here and I am super excited. I am going to remember to do Flog Yo Blog Friday tomorrow because it would be great to have 5 more followers by Monday, that would make it 50.

So I have been in a very weird place lately. I wouldn't call it depressed, but I am very down. I think part of it is the weather changing and the other part is trying to keep everything in balance. I stopped taking my Zoloft a couple of months ago, but I didn't want to tell anyone until I was totally sure that I was done taking them. I think I am, but then times like these make me question it.

I have said before that depression is a very selfish disease. When you are on the drugs you get to feeling better so you stop taking them. It can be a really vicious cycle, but I think I actually am ok. I keep reminding myself that it is normal for people to be depressed sometimes, just not all the time.

I have a math class to get to in 10 minutes so I'm thinking I should probably do that. Off I go.

<3 Swt

Any ideas on something super special to do on Monday for the anniversary?

I Love College...and Babies...

2010-10-04T09:08:00.002-05:00

Yup, I forgot Flog Yo Blog Friday again. I'm a terrible person.

So anyways, it's hard being a mom and being a student. It's estimated that for every hour in class you should be doing 3 hours of homework. I am in class for 9 hours a week, so that is 27 hours of homework a week. That is a lot! I don't mind because it is worth it in the end, but right now it kind of sucks.

It would be so much worse if I wasn't living with my parents. They play with Peanut while I do my work and study. Bu I still can never seem to get caught up on everything.

Right now my room and Peanut's rooms and our bathroom is a complete disaster and the laundry is behind. I need to take a day and get everything done so that I can go back to maintaing our space instead of trying to play constant game of catch up.

Even my school is going as well as it should. I am making pretty good grades, but not as good as I could be doing. I just totally fucked up a psychology test. I am good at psychology, I just never got around to doing the reading, if I had I could have had this. I am giving math my best shot and I got 100% on my first 3 quizzes, 80% on the fourth one and then I got a C on my first test. The first one is the hardest so I think it should be ok. History is just random and my teacher has sever women issues. He always manages to make a snide remark about females. But his tests are pretty easy so it's not a huge deal. My online humanities class is easy. I can get all of the work for the week done in just a couple of hours, now I just have to start doing it before 9:30 Tuesday night when it is due at 12.

So that is how my school life is going.

Just a little update on Peanut. He has eaten avocado, white beans, banana, and potatoes. He is doing really well with solids and he refuses to eat cereal which is fine with me, there really isn't a lot of nutritional value in there. So that's it for now.

5 Reasons I Can't Do Traditional College

2010-09-30T09:54:00.003-05:00

The last post I wrote was about going to see the Bestie at college. It was a lot of fun, but it wasn't really my scene. I asked someone to remind me to write this post, and the Bestie did, so here you go!

1. It was loud. And we were there on a Sunday. I cannot imagine being there during the week with everyone walking around. The cafeteria was the worst. I do not like large crowds of people and there was constant noise. Not my thing at all.

2. I don't think I would be able to live in such tight spaces with someone. Even with the Bestie. I have now seen about 5 dorm rooms and they all suck. And the smell funny. I like to rearrange and in dorms there isn't a lot of room for that.

3. I have a kid. I know I could still be a student at a traditional school, but there are a lot of things besides just school going on and I would feel like I was either missing out on them or missing out on Peanut. That would suck.

4. I am way to close with my parents to live away from them. I couldn't even go to camp when I was little. I am way to dependant on them and I think it is because I am an only child. The relationship is different with only children and their parents.

5. I have never done anything the traditional way. That just isn't how I roll, so starting now would be a stupid idea.

So for those of you that don't know, I go to a community college. It's not great, but it serves the purpose. After I get my associates here, I am going to eventually enter into a university program for adults and get the rest of my bachelors that way. Then hopefully later on a masters will follow it.

So that's it. Tomorrow is Flog Yo Blog Friday. I have 44 followers now, so only 6 more until 50. Maybe we can reach that goal tomorrow.

<3 Swt

Yesterday Was Awesome

2010-09-27T09:23:00.003-05:00

Goddess Leonie over at Goddess Guidebook has Switch Off Sunday every Sunday. Most of the time I don't do it, but yesterday I did. During SoS, you turn your computer off and spend sometime away from it. Well you may be asking what I did for my SoS. I went and saw The Bestie at school.

She is away at college and I have missed her like crazy. So since her family is lame and didn't go to family weekend, we did. My mom, our mutual friend J, Peanut and I went to see her.

It was a little over a 2 hour drive, but it was well worth it. We got to go to a beautiful church for worship, had lunch in the campus cafeteria, hung out in the dorm and then walked around town for awhile.

Peanut was already famous. Kay was holding him and someone walks up and says "Is that Peanut?!" It was so funny.

I hadn't realized how much I missed my best friend. I love her soooooo much and being with her all summer was great. I am hoping to get to go back out there sometime in October to surprise her again.

<3 Swt

Expect a post later about why I could never do the conventional college thing. Someone should probably remind me to write that.

10 Reason's I Will Not Have Another Kid in a Hospital

2010-09-24T17:30:00.004-05:00

When I had Peanut, I thought that I would get everything I wanted from birth in a hospital. I was dead wrong. I think that it would have gone much differently if I had been able to keep my original doctor - she had a stroke, and probably if I would have chosen a different hospital.

Here are the 432 reasons I will be avoiding a hospital the next time around:

1. I was induced, this is because my doctor convinced me that I needed to be worried about the baby's size, I pushed for 12 minutes, I don't think he was too big at all.

2. My water was artificially broken. I would have really preferred for it to have broken on it's own, but my doctor was going to get the baby out that day before dinner.

3. I got an epidural. I didn't want one, and if I had been allowed to labor in the positions I wanted to, I could have dealt with it.

4. I wasn't allowed to deal with the pain by changing into different positions. The nurses kept trying to put me on my sides and I could not deal with it like that.

5. My doctor mentioned C-Sections every time he came in. He scared me into getting an epidural because he said that I wasn't progressing fast enough so we might have to do a C-Section but that the epidural would allow me to stop fighting the pain so that I would progress faster.

6. Peanut was not placed on my chest immediately after birth,.

7. The nurses would take him without asking me or telling me why. Then when I would ask they would say that they would bring him back in a few minutes and it usually took them at least 30.

8. I was not informed when they circumcised him. I didn't want to see it, but they did it without telling me. Note - please don't start about circumcision, I don't want to hear about it.

9. I was told that I would be discharged right after the doctors cleared us, that was at 9 am. I sat in my room until noon when I asked about it, and then sat for another 2 hours.

10. The nurses were not remotely helpful with feeding Peanut. They would get upset when he only nursed for a few minutes at a time and suggested that we supplement. For some reason the expected my milk to be in right then.

I know that the experience could have been worse, but it was not what I wanted and I don't want to have these issues ever again. The next child I have will ether be had at home or in a birth center. I do not care if my insurance will not cover it, that is fine, I will pay out of pocket.

Guess what else, guys! IT"S FLOG YO BLOG FRIDAY!!! I missed last week, well not again!

So for all of you other boogers, run over to Random Ramblings of a SAHM and follow Lori, then link to your post for the day and follow at least one person on the list. That's all you have to do and it'll hopefully get you a few new followers.

<3 Swt

More Updates

2010-09-21T00:15:00.002-05:00

Will and I are not broken up, we are taking a break to re-evaluate your relationship and to make it stronger.

We have this bad habit of acting like kids and letting the drama play out on FaceBook and over the phone, this time it has all been in person.

I think one of the issues is that we need to date again. After I got pregnant, the baby is all that mattered. We had only been together for a few months, so we need to go back to that. We are going to be doing the pre-martial counseling through my church. We would have to do it to get married in the church anyways, so I think it will help.

On a personal level, I need to work on some stuff. I am dealing with some grief issues that I had a few years ago again, and I know that to function correctly and be happy, I need to work through the program that helped me recover last time again.

I did get a new piercing and dye my hair back to almost it's natural shade - dark brown. I got my anti-tragus pierced. I'm planning on doing a piercing post soon so I will post pictures with it.

Now on to the best part of this post. Peanut - get ready for it - has a TOOTH! That's right, a tooth. It is the lower right one I believe. It is a lower one anyways. He accidentally bit his own finger earlier and upset himself, it was really sad, but kind of funny.

I'm totally exhausted, so I think I am going to get off here. I'm going to post the reasons I will avoid a hospital birth tomorrow (I guess that is actually later today).

<3 Swt

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2010-09-19T23:13:00.002-05:00

Will and I broke up. I'm not getting into any details except that I left him. My heart is completly broken and it really hurts. I'm not sure if things are over or not, but for they moment, we aren't together.

In other painful news, Peanut broke his first tooth tonight. It makes me want to cry because he is growing up so fast.

This is all the post I can muster. Thanks.

Guess What

2010-09-15T07:54:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in my psychology class, getting ready to take a test, and I am updating and reading blogs. Not studying like I should be. I'm a bad person, but it's cool.

In other testing news, I got 100 % on my first 2 math quizes. This is the third time I have take this math class, so maybe I will pass this time. So far things seem to be going well and my dear friend TK said he would help me out if I need it.

So more about this psych test, I actually feel really confident about it. I know what the different parts of the brain do and where they are located. I pretty much know who the psychologists were that were the forefathers, but I don't think that will be as important as brain function.

So here it goes, test time. Wish me luck.

<3 Swt

Formula

2010-09-13T21:04:00.002-05:00

I love breastfeeding, there is no secret there, and I think everyone should give it a shot, but if a woman does not decide to try, that's ok too.

It is a very personal choice to breastfeed and some people are not comfortable with it. I know, it's all society's fault, I agree. But if a woman doesn't want to breastfeed, she doesn't want to; end of discussion.

I am getting really tired of the formula bashing. When you tell people how evil formula is, you condemn the mother as well. That really isn't ok. She is making the best choice she could for her and her family. That's her only job, to do what is right for her.

I read a blog about another young mom called Mommy, On Accident. She decided not to breastfeed, as is her right. She has written several posts about the shit she faces from the breastfeeding community. She reads all this stuff on the evils of formula, and I can imagine that it pisses her off to no end.

There is no way to be nice about condemning something if you are also condemning the user at the same time.

I am not saying that formula companies are not evil, they really tend to be, but the users of formula are doing the best they can, just like us breast feeders are. So please, can we stop bashing now. It's hurting people's feelings and that just is not cool.

<3>

The First Guest Post....and Flog Yo Blog Friday

2010-09-10T09:30:00.003-05:00

Not a whole lot going on with me right now. I did get 100% on my first math quiz last week so I'm damn proud of myself. Peanut went to the zoo last week and I have been a slacker and not posted pictures, but I will be doing that tomorrow.

On to my first ever guest post...I am super excited about this post and it made me cry the first time I read it. It goes back to this blog's theme and I think everyone will love it. Draft Queen from The Drafts Folder it the author of this awesome post.

It's all your's Draft Queen.

Have you ever seen the movie "Riding In Cars With Boys"?

I love that movie.

In case you haven't seen it, it's based on a memoir by Beverly D'Onofrio. In the movie she gets pregnant at 15, marries the father, though she knows he's not "the one" for her but because her Daddy says so and proceeds to try to balance being a wife, mother and student.

She screws it up.

But I love it because I screwed up a lot as an 18 year old mother. (In real life, Bev was 18 when she got pregnant.) And sure, That Guy I Married has never once touched any drugs, let alone had a heroin addiction, but I still knew he wasn't the "one" for me. He loved me as the movie portrays Ray as loving Bev.

And they struggle.

And it was real.

She makes mistakes. She is selfish and immature despite her efforts.

Looking back: that was me. It probably still is me.

You know what I don't find "real"? Bristol Palin preaching about being a teen mom. As if her life is typical. I mean, this young woman gets $15,000-$30,000 a pop as a speaking fee. Teen moms don't make that kind of money. And for what? To tell other young people not to do as she did and have premarital sex? It just seems hypocritical and disingenuous.

Teen moms (because even getting knocked up as a legal adult you're still a teen mom if your age has the word "teen" in it) get a bad rap. We're "welfare queens" and "trash" and all around no good parents no matter what we do. And therefore our kids are nothing but trash.

This is the message I heard when my kids were smaller.

I'm a good mother. I've made mistakes. I've made selfish choices.

But for the most part, I'm a good mother.

The day I gave birth to my daughter, I had to stop being a teen and start being a mom. She didn't discriminate my parenting based on my age. Only recently has she really figured out just how much younger I am compared to her friend's parents.

That didn't stop other people from doing so. Once, while doing laundry at a laundromat, complete with my 1 year old daughter, a woman lectured me about wasting her tax dollars using the dryer when "people like me" shouldn't get such privileges. I should have to hang my wash (there was 2 ft of snow on the ground and below zero) and save that extra $2 to feed my child.

Wasting her tax dollars. First of all, if I was using welfare money to wash my laundry I think it would be an appropriate use. It's not like I was buying booze or drugs, I was cleaning my clothes. Secondly, she assumed I was on welfare incorrectly. I worked nights and her father days to pay our bills.

We bought a house in a small town when she was 5 and her brother 3. We wanted them to have a good public school to go to. When the parents saw how much younger I was compared to them (they well into their 40s, I was 23) they discouraged their children from befriending mine.

It's assumed that because I was a parent so young I didn't breastfeed. Or love my child. Or provide appropriate care.

They are wrong.

And now that I'm a "old" lady, contemplating a 3rd child at the "right" age I can tell you this: my parenting will remain the same. Sure, I have a better foundation financially now, but I won't love another child any differently than the one I had at 18 or at 21 (he was planned, but most people assume otherwise.) I'll still strive for an unmedicated birth. I can't wait to breastfeed again and have that cuddle time with a new life, just as I did when I was a decade younger. Bedtimes and vegetable eating will be enforced-- just as it was when I was a mom in her very early 20s.

But for some reason, no one will think I would be anything but a great mom, just because I'm "old enough."

Woman like Sarah remind me of the struggles I had being a teen mom. And I'm sure she'll, unfortunately, have to deal with issues related to the proximity of her age to her son's.

Being a teen mom doesn't automatically make you a bad mom. It doesn't make you love your child less because you missed out on some things. Sure, we'll make some mistakes, but all moms do.

We're great moms, regardless of the number of years we've been alive.

Here is the Flog Yo Blog List, there are some really great ones if you need more to read.

<3 Swt

Wow...That's My Ass

2010-09-09T17:22:00.006-05:00

Yup, that's me. I was completely unaware that I have gotten that big. I really don't feel as big as I am. My lovely best friend took this wonderful picture and I really do want to thank her. I needed this wake up call to see how big I am. I don't like this picture or the way most of my clothes fit.

So here is the plan (for real this time).

Eat at least one serving of fruits or vegetables at each meal.
Cut portion sizes way down.
Walk everyday - this isn't too hard on Tuesdays and Thursdays because of where I have to park at school. So Now I just have to work on the other 5 days.
Drink only water.
Eat one vegetarian meal everyday.
Try to exercise more often, besides the daily walking.
After I am employed again I want to join a fitness club and maybe buy a bike with a little seat for Peanut.
Keep a food journal.

So there you have it. This is my new plan and I know I can do it. I just have to look at this picture anytime I need motivation.

***I am happy with myself and I do not have any self esteem problems, I just realized that I am extremely unhealthy right now and I need to fix it before it's too late.

<3>

I Know I'm Not Perfect

2010-09-08T15:15:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get really jealous, like all humans do. So here is the list of what I am jealous of right now.

I'm jealous that Will gets to be a stay-at-home dad until he finds a job; I want to be a SAHM so it's really hard on me.

I'm jealous of the kids my age that get to go drink, I can't do that because I am breastfeeding. I can drink a little bit, but not a lot.

I'm jealous of the families that get to live together.

I'm jealous of the people that can afford everything they want and need.

But here is what I am thankful for.

My son.

His loving father.

The best parents I could have ever asked for.

A place to live and food, provided by those parents.

Having a college fund that my great grandma set up for me so that I have one less expense.

The doors that are opening for me right now.

My family (friends included).

My health.

It is really easy to get yourself down about what you don't have, but whem we look around, we can almost always find at least a speck of light. There is good and love all around us, we just have to be willing to look for it.

<3 Swt

I Really Dislike Disposable Diapers

2010-09-05T00:32:00.002-05:00

I'm really not sure if it's just me, or if other people have this issue, but I really hate the way disposable diapers smell. They stink and it totally grosses me out. Piss stinks as it is, but then add the diaper smell on top oof it and it just sucks.

On to other diaper topics, my boy keeps getting this rash on his belly from his diapers. I'm thinking that it is becuas we have washed his diapers with peroxide in the wash the whole time he has been in them, then we ran out. So it could be that they weren't getting clean enough and had bacteria in them and then when he pees it's getting into his skin and breaking him out. So I went and bought more peroxide and washed all the diapers and covers, so we'll see how this goes.

<3 Swt

Oh, I'm Kind of Lame...

2010-09-03T14:34:00.003-05:00

I totally forgot about the guest post yesterday! I'm not going to do it today because I don't want it to get lost in the Flog Yo Blog awesomeness. So I think I will post it Monday. It is a really awesome post and I can't wait to share it with you all.

I am pretty excited though. My phone was being totally crazy, so my mom gave me her old BlackBerry, I really love it, it's so damn handy.

I also won a brand new hospital grade breastpump. That thing is awesome and much more comfortable than the one I have.

I slept in and missed class today. It was only 1 class so it shouldn't be a big issue.

Ok, well I am done rambling about radom crap, go check out these blogs.

By the way, I need 2 more followers to get to 40...help me out??

<3 Swt

Psychic Dreams

2010-09-02T00:37:00.003-05:00

I believe that all people are psychic to some extent and it can be grown into a real talent and gift. I have always had feeling about stuff and been very intuitive. But since I got pregnant, I have been having psychic dreams of sorts. It's not like I can exactly what is going to happen, and I usually cannot decipher what they mean or which parts will work out until I make the connection with the event that happens and the dream I had.

A few really good examples are when Will's mom died, a few weeks before I had a dream about a funeral and when I woke up all I could think was that before the baby was born, someone we loved would pass. This is the strongest one I have ever had.

More recently I had a dream about opening a store...the next day I got the call that Pottery Playland was closing. Then less than a week later the plan to open my shop was set in action.

Then a few nights ago I had a dream about my beautiful store that I had created catching on fire, the next day we got word that our financing fell through. So now we are taking this much slower and will hopefully be opening a store by next Summer or Fall.

So here is my plan, I want to really cultivate this and gain more wisdom from my dreams. So since Goddess Leonie over at Goddess Guide Book.com has created her new goddess circle and I totally joined (just $99 for hundreds of dollars worth of stuff) I will be doing her Devine Dreaming Meditation tonight and possibly every night for awhile and journaling about stuff. I think it is high time that I get back in touch with my spiritual side.

*On a totally unrelated note...tomorrow will feature the first ever guest post on my blog and I am stoked!!!!

<3 Swt