Right...Now I Remember

Sometimes when you feel like your world might cave in, you forget why you've done the things you've done. With all the hours Psycho Knight had been working I was feeling sorry for myself; it was all about me. I've said before that depression is a horribly selfish disease and sometimes even when you are doing alright, the selfish of it comes out. I was being selfih becasue I was loonely and resentful; I had moved up here for him and then he just left me here all alone. I had a pity party and bitched and moaned about it. It's time to stop now.

Last night we had a great night. I hadn't felt well and Peanut wasn't feeling well either. I ended up staying home and sleeping most of the day. When PK finally got home I was excited to see him. I had been lonely, but for the first time in awhile I was just happy that I got to be with him. We laughed and wrestled and played all niight. We didn't go to bed until way late and I had to wake up way too early like I do every morning. But it was so worth it. I got to reconnect with my man I was reminded of why I came up here and made the sacrifices that I did. I made them because I love him and he is worth it.

It's really easy to get caught up in what we have given up; it's a lot harder to remember what we have gained inspite of the hardships. Money has been so tight, and then his car died, and then he was working too much, and stuff with my job was not going like I thought it was. It was hard. Being a grown up is HARD! So much harder than I ever thought it could be. But I get to sleep with my partner every night, I get to kiss him goodbye every morning, I get a constant shoulder to lean on when I need it. And you know what...I don't need it as often as I used to. This is what being content is. For the first time I do not have anything to be scared of and I know that it will stay that way.

I remember why I thought he was worth it...it's because he is worth it and always has been. And my happiness is worth it.