Monday, July 26, 2010

My Experiance With PPD

PPD is postpartum depression and it effects between 15-20% of all new moms. There are a lot of different symptoms of PPD and it doesn't just manifest itself as depression. It can be OCD, anxiety, psychosis, or post traumatic stress.

The things I had issues with were anxiety, OCD, and depression. I didn't notice the OCD until just very recently.

For me, the anxiety was the absolute worst. I have had a history of anxiety issues for a really long time. When I was 16 was a suffering from post traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) and that is when it was the worst for me. I had panic attacks and worried about decision making. I could not choose anything, even small stuff like what to have for dinner was too much for me. Fast forward 3 years after I had Peanut, and I was having the same issues. I could still make choices, but I was scared to leave the house by myself or be alone with the baby. Any time I had to do something with the baby I would look over at my mom to see if I was doing the right thing. If other people held the baby, besides close family, I would become anxious and cry. Baby wearing helped a lot with that.

The depression is much harder for me to recognize. When I was 16 and had PTSD I couldn't make myself get out of bed, but I didn't think I was depressed. I then learned that depression in me manifests as obsessing about dying. I will lay there and think about it for so long that I get scared and start crying. I sleep a lot when I am depressed and my eating habits become very sporadic. I think when I was 16 I would have tried to kill myself if I hadn't gotten help when I did.

OCD is the weird one and it kind of surprised me. When I am having a really hard time with anxiety I get really bad. I make lists and schedules and stick to them as much as humanly possible. If something happens and I can't I get very anxious and I feel terrible. Being on Zoloft hasn't helped this at all, but it isn't to the point that I can't at least control it some.

Going back on Zoloft has helped a lot but I am worried about one thing. I think I am bipolar. My doctor suggested this when I was 16 but I didn't listen. The thing about antidepressants and Bipolar Disorder is that when you take the antidepressant your cycle gets disrupted and you don't get the highs anymore, then you miss the highs and you don't feel like normal so you want to quit taking the medication. That is when it gets dangerous.

People with mood disorders are selfish because the illness makes us that way. We are so focused on ourselves that we don't notice other people suffering because of it. There are times that I could care less if me being crazy effects other people, I just want off these damn drugs, but I know that isn't option.

This is my story, if you have a story about mood disorders, please share them.


  1. Holy. Crap.

    First, I'm so sorry to hear you are experiencing these symptoms. I had a nervous breakdown at 16 and PPD and anxiety after having both of my kids. While on Zoloft I felt neither depressed nor happy- all I wanted was my emotions back; regardless of which they were.

    I know there aren't a lot of choices for meds when you are nursing so try to hang in there until you stop and can possibly find a medication that better suits your needs. It sucks to feel that way.

  2. I just want to reach into the computer and give you a big hug, because I have been there. I've suffered from anxiety and depression since I was 13 years old. I've never been on any medication because I've never sought proper help - I've seen many doctors and psychs but I always end up not going to appointments after they suggest anti depressants. I don't know why, I just can't bring myself to take them. I know how tough it is, how some days it's the biggest effort in the world just to get out of bed. I'm glad to hear you've been feeling better and I hope things just keep going up from here. xo