Monday, November 15, 2010

I'm Giving All I've Got

A conversation with my dear friends T.K. inspired this post. I told him that right now I am giving everything I have but I'm going to run out of steam pretty quickly. He asked what would happen then. My reply: I will get sick and my body will force me to stop. He tells me this is unhealthy, and I agree. But right now, this is the best I can do.

I don't think I'm in the best mental place that I could be right now. I'm having my "control issues" dream where I am fighting someone but I can't hit them. I know I'm having some issues but I don't know how to fix them. I'm not sleeping as much as I really need to and I'm not taking care of myself like I need to be.

I feel crazy when I get like this, like I'm not functioning correctly. I am trying really hard to find the right balance of everything and take care of everyone that needs taking care of. But at the same time I am trying to locate myself again. I think in the process of becoming a mom I lost my own sense of identity.

This all became clear to me last Wednesday when I was driving home from my male best friend's house. I was alone driving through downtown Kansas City and I lost it. I just started to cry. I wrote here about why I don't let myself cry. It's a control issue, who's surprised.

I took this picture on my webcam 5 minutes ago.

I feel bad for the girl looking back at me. She looks so sad and tired. She looks like she is trying to keep it together but failing rapidly.

I don't want to be her anymore.


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