Change = Fear

I'm scared. There, I said it. I'm fucking terrified. I am on the brink of really, really HUGE changes and they are scaring the crap out of me. My Facebook status the other day said something about how scary it is when you realize that your biggest goals are finally coming into reach. For me, right now, there are a lot of big projects that will lead to my big goals coming up.

First, I am moving in two weeks. I am excited, but also intimidated. I have never given this much of myself to someone. When you have distance you are able to keep an emotional part of your self distanced from someone; you are more able to hide the ugly and the scary. But when you live with someone, they get to see it all; all the undesirable parts of you. I know that when I get depressed it scares those around me. I also know what it feels like to be the one that is scared. It's not fun and you never know what that person is capable of. The last time I got really bad they all thought I was going to kill myself. Who knows, maybe I would have.

Next on the list is going back to school, again. I ended up taking this semester off because of a mishap with my online classes. So I am switching schools and also some of my degree path.

Which leads me to probably the biggest of all. By the end of next year, I should have everything I need to qualify to sit for the IBCLC exam. I want to become a lactation consultant and with this job, it's really within reach. I want this so bad I can taste it, and now here it is, all ready for me to start work on.

The last is that Peanut is finally old enough that I can start working on the requirements for becoming a La Leche League leader. I love LLL and I really want to do my part to help other moms. They are getting all of that information together for me so that I can finally start working on it.

This is all a lot to take in. It's going to be a huge year for me and I'm really excited to finally have things to work towards again, but it's scary and it's a lot of change. I feel like I'm ready for it and I'm guessing that there will be at least quarterly breakdowns.

Swt