Sunday, December 26, 2010

Apparently I Am More Broken Than I Thought

This post is going to come out sounding like I blame my exs for my issues; I really do not blame them, at least not entirely. There is a lot of blame to be placed on myself for making poor decisions but they do get a little bit of the blame.

Last night I told Psycho Knight that I was trying to figure out another name for Peanut to call him instead of just Psycho and that dad was out. He texted back "ouch." I asked what was wrong and his response was that it stings that Peanut cannot call him dad because of Will. Then he just stopped texting me. I knew he had to go to his family's house after work for Christmas but I was assuming that he would call me when he got off like he always does. Well time kept passing and still no call. So I sent him a text asking if he was off. He said that he was with his family. I told him to call me later and that I loved him. No reply. Then I asked if he was ok, he said yes and that was all.

I was freaking out because he wasn't answering me at all and in my mind that means that there is a big problem and that a fight will probably ensue. As it turns out, he just didn't want to be rude and text during family time and he had no way of knowing that I would freak out about it.

That is how I figured out that I am pretty much h screwed up from my past relationships. When I say relationships I mean the only 2 real ones that I have had with Will and Joker.

I met Joker when I was 15 and we started dating just a few weeks later. He lived pretty far away so I didn't really have a good idea of what he was really like. When he moved closer I found out that he was abusive. We would get in yelling matches and then I would get in his face or push him and then a fist fight would start. I stuck around for 2 and a half years and went through a lot of shit that no young teenager should ever have to go though. One day when I was driving we got into a fight in my car and he tried to choke me, that should have been the last straw but it wasn't. We had a lot of fights and somehow I never left with visible bruises. My parents didn't find out about the abuse until I was with Will.

When I met Will I was just a few months away from graduation and I didn't really think I'd see him much after. Well the December after I graduated I left Joker and by March I was with Will. Things were ok, not perfect, but we were making it work. I got pregnant when we had been together for about 4 months and one of those months he was out of town. While I was pregnant I spent a lot of time over at his house and he made my cry pretty much everyday. He would say things just to get a rise out of me and upset me, but I was convinced that we had to make it work for the baby. We were even talking about getting married. We put on our happy faces around other people and acted like we were both perfectly happy. Things went downhill when he continued to not have a job or his GED and was not trying at all to get either one. He wouldn't do the things he said he would like come over or take me out. Then when it was time to take the child birth classes he bailed on me right in the middle so I didn't have a partner when it came time to practice stuff in the class; I knew that was a precursor as to what was coming. When we went to the hospital the day I was induced he was late picking me up first. Then when we got there he was in and out all day. I was in labor for 6 hours and I'm sure he was gone for 3 of them. I needed him to rub my back during the contractions but he wouldn't, that's how I ended up with an epidural. He stayed the 2 nights at the hospital with me, but he left a few hours after the baby was born and didn't come back until very late that night. I was trying to get some rest but he was in and out of my room all night. When I needed him he couldn't be there for me. The final straw came one night when we were fighting. He cornered me against my car and I thought be was going to hit me and he intentionally scared me by doing that, I told him I was leaving because the baby was crying and he told me that I never cared about him crying before so why did I now? Then as I was getting in the car he slammed the door on me. We had multiple conversations about how if we were fighting he couldn't get in my face because it triggered me and scared me, so when he used that against me I knew I could not stay with him.

All of this has led me to have a very warped view of relationships. I don't know what it means to be loved and respected and treated well. I don't know what it means to not have to be afraid of getting hurt by my partner. Both of my exs were terribly jealous and never trusted me so I now feel like I have to over explain myself to PK but one day he told me that he trust me with his life. I realized that I have no idea what to do with that kind of trust. One of the benefits to dating my best friend is that I trust him, too. I have trusted him the entire time he was been my friend so it just makes sense that I would still have that same trust in him.

For those of you that actually know me, I am really sorry if this was hard for you to read. There is some very unpleasant stuff in here and I can imagine that it would hurt if I read this about one of my friends or family members. I feel very vulnerable posting this, but I feel like I have been hiding these old hurts for a very long time and by putting them out here for the world to read will hopefully help to heal the wounds a little bit more.


1 comment:

  1. Everyone who has ever been in a relationship carries baggage from it. Sometimes it's nothing more than an annoying habit you picked up and sometimes you're left with all kinds of issues. My marriage left me with zero self esteem. Baggage is rarely pretty, but any partner worth being called that will help you get beyond that. I'm sure PK has issues too, and you're willing to work beyond them for the time that it becomes about the two of you, rather than the shit other people left you holding.

    You're young. Your first 2 real relationships were shitty. All you can do is learn to recognize your problems and work through them, and it sounds like that's exactly what you are doing. It won't happen overnight. Don't beat yourself up over it.