Big Girls Don't Cry...They Flog Blogs

"Big Girls Don't Cry" is my favorite Fergie song. I love her voice anyways, but this song never fails to reach my heart. It is a mantra I have lived by for quite awhile.

I get very emotional about things and it really doesn't take a lot to make me cry; if I'm scared, upset, angry, or just overwhelmed I tend to cry. But I also have a lot of control issues and crying happens to be one of them. If someone makes me cry it freaks me out because I'm not in control. So when I was about 15 I taught myself not to cry unless I really had to. It actually worked for a pretty long time. Then somehow I started having a normal range of emotions again and the crying came back.

When I had the baby, something in my head told me that moms don't cry. So I really haven't. There has been a time or two, but nothing like it was.

With all of the drama that has been going on right now, I haven't cried. I have gotten pretty good at suppressing the urge and I like the feeling of control. I know this is not how my emotions are supposed to work and that I am probably messing up my emotional cycles, but, its my coping mechanism.

<3 Swt

Mommy Guilt

It never fails, every time I drop Peanut off in the morning and go to school, I want to cry. I know that I am going to school for my future and for his; i keep telling myself that and it helps most of the time. But it still breaks my heart just a little bit everyday.

So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.

I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.

I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.

In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.

That's all I've got guys.

<3 Swt