Baby, Why Won't You Sleep?

I want to start off by saying that I am blessed to have such an amazing baby. That being said, he has decided that sleep isn't his favorite activity. I'm so tired from all the fighting I have to do to get him to sleep. Some nights he cries for 2 or more hours.

I have been trying what I call "Modified Crying It Out." I don't just throw him in his crib and let him scream, instead I lay down with him and hold him until he wears himself out.

I really hate letting him cry like that, but nothing settles him down. Even though he is exhausted, he fights sleep so hard. We finally figured out that sometimes the rocking chair helps, but not always.

The problem is that when your baby is crying uncontrollably and you can't fix it, you feel like a lousy mom. I know that I am a good mom, but this would make anyone question their abilities.

On top of all my other stress, this one just makes everything else so much worse. He only cried for a few minutes tonight, so maybe the spell has been broken. We can always hope.

<3 Swt

Big Girls Don't Cry...They Flog Blogs

"Big Girls Don't Cry" is my favorite Fergie song. I love her voice anyways, but this song never fails to reach my heart. It is a mantra I have lived by for quite awhile.

I get very emotional about things and it really doesn't take a lot to make me cry; if I'm scared, upset, angry, or just overwhelmed I tend to cry. But I also have a lot of control issues and crying happens to be one of them. If someone makes me cry it freaks me out because I'm not in control. So when I was about 15 I taught myself not to cry unless I really had to. It actually worked for a pretty long time. Then somehow I started having a normal range of emotions again and the crying came back.

When I had the baby, something in my head told me that moms don't cry. So I really haven't. There has been a time or two, but nothing like it was.

With all of the drama that has been going on right now, I haven't cried. I have gotten pretty good at suppressing the urge and I like the feeling of control. I know this is not how my emotions are supposed to work and that I am probably messing up my emotional cycles, but, its my coping mechanism.

<3 Swt

Mommy Guilt

It never fails, every time I drop Peanut off in the morning and go to school, I want to cry. I know that I am going to school for my future and for his; i keep telling myself that and it helps most of the time. But it still breaks my heart just a little bit everyday.

So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.

I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.

I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.

In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.

That's all I've got guys.

<3 Swt