Last night Psycho Knight and I were having a conversation about some of my friends coming over. He said that if my ex EVER finds out where we live and shows up that there will be big issues. I got to thinking about our house and where it is. Only 4 people in my circle know exactly where I live; my parents, The Bestie, and Jules. No one else really knows more than that we are north of the river.
It’s an odd thing not having anyone know where to find me. It makes me feel very safe. As in the case of my ex; I don’t really put it past him not to show up unannounced, but the only people that know how to get to my house will never be in contact with him.
I know I have bitched about feeling secluded up here by myself there is a huge part of me that is grateful for having my home being so unknown. Before PK and I started dating I would go to his apartment to hide. No one knew where I was or how to find me. It’s kind of that same situation still, especially living with him. He has always been a safe place to hide from the world where nothing can hurt me. Every time I would walk into his old apartment I would breathe a sigh of relief because at that moment the world didn’t exist.
Sometimes I find myself kind of anxious for even my parents to come over; like somehow they are infiltrating my fortress and letting the rest of the world in with them. When I wrote This House Tucked In I think I was starting to feel at home in my new home and now I’m realizing that I am home, and that this is where I belong.
Swt
Showing posts with label Home life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Home life. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Right...Now I Remember
Sometimes when you feel like your world might cave in, you forget why you've done the things you've done. With all the hours Psycho Knight had been working I was feeling sorry for myself; it was all about me. I've said before that depression is a horribly selfish disease and sometimes even when you are doing alright, the selfish of it comes out. I was being selfih becasue I was loonely and resentful; I had moved up here for him and then he just left me here all alone. I had a pity party and bitched and moaned about it. It's time to stop now.
Last night we had a great night. I hadn't felt well and Peanut wasn't feeling well either. I ended up staying home and sleeping most of the day. When PK finally got home I was excited to see him. I had been lonely, but for the first time in awhile I was just happy that I got to be with him. We laughed and wrestled and played all niight. We didn't go to bed until way late and I had to wake up way too early like I do every morning. But it was so worth it. I got to reconnect with my man I was reminded of why I came up here and made the sacrifices that I did. I made them because I love him and he is worth it.
It's really easy to get caught up in what we have given up; it's a lot harder to remember what we have gained inspite of the hardships. Money has been so tight, and then his car died, and then he was working too much, and stuff with my job was not going like I thought it was. It was hard. Being a grown up is HARD! So much harder than I ever thought it could be. But I get to sleep with my partner every night, I get to kiss him goodbye every morning, I get a constant shoulder to lean on when I need it. And you know what...I don't need it as often as I used to. This is what being content is. For the first time I do not have anything to be scared of and I know that it will stay that way.
I remember why I thought he was worth it...it's because he is worth it and always has been. And my happiness is worth it.
Last night we had a great night. I hadn't felt well and Peanut wasn't feeling well either. I ended up staying home and sleeping most of the day. When PK finally got home I was excited to see him. I had been lonely, but for the first time in awhile I was just happy that I got to be with him. We laughed and wrestled and played all niight. We didn't go to bed until way late and I had to wake up way too early like I do every morning. But it was so worth it. I got to reconnect with my man I was reminded of why I came up here and made the sacrifices that I did. I made them because I love him and he is worth it.
It's really easy to get caught up in what we have given up; it's a lot harder to remember what we have gained inspite of the hardships. Money has been so tight, and then his car died, and then he was working too much, and stuff with my job was not going like I thought it was. It was hard. Being a grown up is HARD! So much harder than I ever thought it could be. But I get to sleep with my partner every night, I get to kiss him goodbye every morning, I get a constant shoulder to lean on when I need it. And you know what...I don't need it as often as I used to. This is what being content is. For the first time I do not have anything to be scared of and I know that it will stay that way.
I remember why I thought he was worth it...it's because he is worth it and always has been. And my happiness is worth it.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sometime You Have to Talk About the Hard Stuff
Psycho Knight and I are getting fairly serious; I'll probably be moving in with him sometime in the next few months. When you have a child with someone other than the man you are dating there are a lot of logistics to deal with. When someone wants to be with me they have to also want to be with my son, we're a package deal.
So what are these logistics I speak of? Well first off the co-sleeping thing. We are working on transitioning Peanut into his own bed because it is unfair to expect PK to go from sleeping alone to sleeping with me and a baby; and I'm assuming that it would make Will uncomfortable to know that another man is sharing a bed with his kid. The next on the logistics list is that Peanut has to have a room when we move in. That means not only am I moving in and taking over part of the house, but he loses a whole room also. These aren't all that major for PK and I to deal with, these are the easy tasks to manage.
The harder ones are not so black and white. I have no idea what role PK will play in Peanut's life. Assuming we get married, PK will be Peanut's step-dad, but what should the kid call PK? Should he be called by his first name, maybe a name alternative for dad? I just really have no idea. What about discipline? Will and I do not spank and I will not allow PK to spank my child, but to what extent will PK be an authority figure?
I know all of this depends on how quickly things progress and what happens with Will. All of this really scares me though, I'm afraid that we will totally fuck with this child's mind and he will never really understand how relationships and families work.
Swt
So what are these logistics I speak of? Well first off the co-sleeping thing. We are working on transitioning Peanut into his own bed because it is unfair to expect PK to go from sleeping alone to sleeping with me and a baby; and I'm assuming that it would make Will uncomfortable to know that another man is sharing a bed with his kid. The next on the logistics list is that Peanut has to have a room when we move in. That means not only am I moving in and taking over part of the house, but he loses a whole room also. These aren't all that major for PK and I to deal with, these are the easy tasks to manage.
The harder ones are not so black and white. I have no idea what role PK will play in Peanut's life. Assuming we get married, PK will be Peanut's step-dad, but what should the kid call PK? Should he be called by his first name, maybe a name alternative for dad? I just really have no idea. What about discipline? Will and I do not spank and I will not allow PK to spank my child, but to what extent will PK be an authority figure?
I know all of this depends on how quickly things progress and what happens with Will. All of this really scares me though, I'm afraid that we will totally fuck with this child's mind and he will never really understand how relationships and families work.
Swt
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Mommy Guilt
It never fails, every time I drop Peanut off in the morning and go to school, I want to cry. I know that I am going to school for my future and for his; i keep telling myself that and it helps most of the time. But it still breaks my heart just a little bit everyday.
So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.
I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.
I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.
In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.
That's all I've got guys.
<3 Swt
So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.
I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.
I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.
In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.
That's all I've got guys.
<3 Swt
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