I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, depression is a selfish disease. Right now I am not happy and it isn’t getting any better. I’m kind of weepy, anxious, wanting to sleep all the time but not sleeping well, and I’m making stupid and risky decisions. Sounds like depression, doesn’t it?
As I’m sure most of you know, depression is always right under the surface for me. You can see it there all the time, and sometimes it breaks through and attacks me until I give up. Well, not this time; this time is different. I can feel it coming and for the love of God I am not doing this shit again. This mother fucking monster is not going to eat my soul like it usually does.
I’m doing traditional talk therapy and working out, both of which really help with the depression, but I know I need some extra help. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor and I am going to start taking a low dose of Zoloft again. I’m going to be honest; I am scared shitless. I don’t want to take these drugs for the rest of my life to have a form of normalcy. Right now I feel weak and angry because I couldn’t deal with this on my own; I’m supposed to be strong. There is a lot going on in my head regarding this decision and the events that led up to it.
The other part of this is that when Psycho and I broke up I promised myself that I would deal with some of my issues. We have talked about getting back together in the future, but I can’t do that until I do some fixing. I know that I am a hard person to love and that when I get weird I get selfish and I shut down. I’m not a good mom or partner when I’m depressed and truth be told, I’ve been depressed since before I moved in with him in March. Right now I am trying to convince myself that the break up is a blessing in disguise and a chance for me to work on my relationship with my son and myself. It’s not working yet.
Swt
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Hidden Away
Last night Psycho Knight and I were having a conversation about some of my friends coming over. He said that if my ex EVER finds out where we live and shows up that there will be big issues. I got to thinking about our house and where it is. Only 4 people in my circle know exactly where I live; my parents, The Bestie, and Jules. No one else really knows more than that we are north of the river.
It’s an odd thing not having anyone know where to find me. It makes me feel very safe. As in the case of my ex; I don’t really put it past him not to show up unannounced, but the only people that know how to get to my house will never be in contact with him.
I know I have bitched about feeling secluded up here by myself there is a huge part of me that is grateful for having my home being so unknown. Before PK and I started dating I would go to his apartment to hide. No one knew where I was or how to find me. It’s kind of that same situation still, especially living with him. He has always been a safe place to hide from the world where nothing can hurt me. Every time I would walk into his old apartment I would breathe a sigh of relief because at that moment the world didn’t exist.
Sometimes I find myself kind of anxious for even my parents to come over; like somehow they are infiltrating my fortress and letting the rest of the world in with them. When I wrote This House Tucked In I think I was starting to feel at home in my new home and now I’m realizing that I am home, and that this is where I belong.
Swt
It’s an odd thing not having anyone know where to find me. It makes me feel very safe. As in the case of my ex; I don’t really put it past him not to show up unannounced, but the only people that know how to get to my house will never be in contact with him.
I know I have bitched about feeling secluded up here by myself there is a huge part of me that is grateful for having my home being so unknown. Before PK and I started dating I would go to his apartment to hide. No one knew where I was or how to find me. It’s kind of that same situation still, especially living with him. He has always been a safe place to hide from the world where nothing can hurt me. Every time I would walk into his old apartment I would breathe a sigh of relief because at that moment the world didn’t exist.
Sometimes I find myself kind of anxious for even my parents to come over; like somehow they are infiltrating my fortress and letting the rest of the world in with them. When I wrote This House Tucked In I think I was starting to feel at home in my new home and now I’m realizing that I am home, and that this is where I belong.
Swt
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Big Girls Don't Cry...They Flog Blogs
"Big Girls Don't Cry" is my favorite Fergie song. I love her voice anyways, but this song never fails to reach my heart. It is a mantra I have lived by for quite awhile.
I get very emotional about things and it really doesn't take a lot to make me cry; if I'm scared, upset, angry, or just overwhelmed I tend to cry. But I also have a lot of control issues and crying happens to be one of them. If someone makes me cry it freaks me out because I'm not in control. So when I was about 15 I taught myself not to cry unless I really had to. It actually worked for a pretty long time. Then somehow I started having a normal range of emotions again and the crying came back.
When I had the baby, something in my head told me that moms don't cry. So I really haven't. There has been a time or two, but nothing like it was.
With all of the drama that has been going on right now, I haven't cried. I have gotten pretty good at suppressing the urge and I like the feeling of control. I know this is not how my emotions are supposed to work and that I am probably messing up my emotional cycles, but, its my coping mechanism.
<3 Swt
I get very emotional about things and it really doesn't take a lot to make me cry; if I'm scared, upset, angry, or just overwhelmed I tend to cry. But I also have a lot of control issues and crying happens to be one of them. If someone makes me cry it freaks me out because I'm not in control. So when I was about 15 I taught myself not to cry unless I really had to. It actually worked for a pretty long time. Then somehow I started having a normal range of emotions again and the crying came back.
When I had the baby, something in my head told me that moms don't cry. So I really haven't. There has been a time or two, but nothing like it was.
With all of the drama that has been going on right now, I haven't cried. I have gotten pretty good at suppressing the urge and I like the feeling of control. I know this is not how my emotions are supposed to work and that I am probably messing up my emotional cycles, but, its my coping mechanism.
<3 Swt
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