Happy Birthday Peanut!

This is Peanut's birthday post. We had an amazing time and my side of his family and his dad's side seemed to do pretty well together. His dad showed up late, like we all knew he would and he wandered about being a douche, like we knew he would but there was no drama so I'm satisfied. On my side of the equation was Psycho Knight. He left early because Will was pissing him off. I was mad for awhile, but I realize that he gave all he had to give and left before he lost control. I'm still not thrilled that he bailed, but I'll get over it.

We totally forgot to the the obligatory eating cake picture, so we took that one on his actual birthday while he was eating cream puffs. His birthday was on Mother's Day this year which made it just amazing.

Sorry it took so long to get this post up. Things have been so crazy lately. Tomorrow will come the camping post. It might be a few weeks before I do the pumping series, I'm working on a couple of guest posts for that week. I'm looking for an exclusively pumping mom that can give us her perspective.

Love,
Swt

Sometime You Have to Talk About the Hard Stuff

Psycho Knight and I are getting fairly serious; I'll probably be moving in with him sometime in the next few months. When you have a child with someone other than the man you are dating there are a lot of logistics to deal with. When someone wants to be with me they have to also want to be with my son, we're a package deal.

So what are these logistics I speak of? Well first off the co-sleeping thing. We are working on transitioning Peanut into his own bed because it is unfair to expect PK to go from sleeping alone to sleeping with me and a baby; and I'm assuming that it would make Will uncomfortable to know that another man is sharing a bed with his kid. The next on the logistics list is that Peanut has to have a room when we move in. That means not only am I moving in and taking over part of the house, but he loses a whole room also. These aren't all that major for PK and I to deal with, these are the easy tasks to manage.

The harder ones are not so black and white. I have no idea what role PK will play in Peanut's life. Assuming we get married, PK will be Peanut's step-dad, but what should the kid call PK? Should he be called by his first name, maybe a name alternative for dad? I just really have no idea. What about discipline? Will and I do not spank and I will not allow PK to spank my child, but to what extent will PK be an authority figure?

I know all of this depends on how quickly things progress and what happens with Will. All of this really scares me though, I'm afraid that we will totally fuck with this child's mind and he will never really understand how relationships and families work.

Swt

Mommy Guilt

It never fails, every time I drop Peanut off in the morning and go to school, I want to cry. I know that I am going to school for my future and for his; i keep telling myself that and it helps most of the time. But it still breaks my heart just a little bit everyday.

So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.

I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.

I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.

In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.

That's all I've got guys.

<3 Swt