I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, depression is a selfish disease. Right now I am not happy and it isn’t getting any better. I’m kind of weepy, anxious, wanting to sleep all the time but not sleeping well, and I’m making stupid and risky decisions. Sounds like depression, doesn’t it?
As I’m sure most of you know, depression is always right under the surface for me. You can see it there all the time, and sometimes it breaks through and attacks me until I give up. Well, not this time; this time is different. I can feel it coming and for the love of God I am not doing this shit again. This mother fucking monster is not going to eat my soul like it usually does.
I’m doing traditional talk therapy and working out, both of which really help with the depression, but I know I need some extra help. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor and I am going to start taking a low dose of Zoloft again. I’m going to be honest; I am scared shitless. I don’t want to take these drugs for the rest of my life to have a form of normalcy. Right now I feel weak and angry because I couldn’t deal with this on my own; I’m supposed to be strong. There is a lot going on in my head regarding this decision and the events that led up to it.
The other part of this is that when Psycho and I broke up I promised myself that I would deal with some of my issues. We have talked about getting back together in the future, but I can’t do that until I do some fixing. I know that I am a hard person to love and that when I get weird I get selfish and I shut down. I’m not a good mom or partner when I’m depressed and truth be told, I’ve been depressed since before I moved in with him in March. Right now I am trying to convince myself that the break up is a blessing in disguise and a chance for me to work on my relationship with my son and myself. It’s not working yet.
Swt
Showing posts with label Peanut. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Peanut. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Happy Birthday Peanut!
This is Peanut's birthday post. We had an amazing time and my side of his family and his dad's side seemed to do pretty well together. His dad showed up late, like we all knew he would and he wandered about being a douche, like we knew he would but there was no drama so I'm satisfied. On my side of the equation was Psycho Knight. He left early because Will was pissing him off. I was mad for awhile, but I realize that he gave all he had to give and left before he lost control. I'm still not thrilled that he bailed, but I'll get over it.We totally forgot to the the obligatory eating cake picture, so we took that one on his actual birthday while he was eating cream puffs. His birthday was on Mother's Day this year which made it just amazing.
Sorry it took so long to get this post up. Things have been so crazy lately. Tomorrow will come the camping post. It might be a few weeks before I do the pumping series, I'm working on a couple of guest posts for that week. I'm looking for an exclusively pumping mom that can give us her perspective.
Love,
Swt
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sometime You Have to Talk About the Hard Stuff
Psycho Knight and I are getting fairly serious; I'll probably be moving in with him sometime in the next few months. When you have a child with someone other than the man you are dating there are a lot of logistics to deal with. When someone wants to be with me they have to also want to be with my son, we're a package deal.
So what are these logistics I speak of? Well first off the co-sleeping thing. We are working on transitioning Peanut into his own bed because it is unfair to expect PK to go from sleeping alone to sleeping with me and a baby; and I'm assuming that it would make Will uncomfortable to know that another man is sharing a bed with his kid. The next on the logistics list is that Peanut has to have a room when we move in. That means not only am I moving in and taking over part of the house, but he loses a whole room also. These aren't all that major for PK and I to deal with, these are the easy tasks to manage.
The harder ones are not so black and white. I have no idea what role PK will play in Peanut's life. Assuming we get married, PK will be Peanut's step-dad, but what should the kid call PK? Should he be called by his first name, maybe a name alternative for dad? I just really have no idea. What about discipline? Will and I do not spank and I will not allow PK to spank my child, but to what extent will PK be an authority figure?
I know all of this depends on how quickly things progress and what happens with Will. All of this really scares me though, I'm afraid that we will totally fuck with this child's mind and he will never really understand how relationships and families work.
Swt
So what are these logistics I speak of? Well first off the co-sleeping thing. We are working on transitioning Peanut into his own bed because it is unfair to expect PK to go from sleeping alone to sleeping with me and a baby; and I'm assuming that it would make Will uncomfortable to know that another man is sharing a bed with his kid. The next on the logistics list is that Peanut has to have a room when we move in. That means not only am I moving in and taking over part of the house, but he loses a whole room also. These aren't all that major for PK and I to deal with, these are the easy tasks to manage.
The harder ones are not so black and white. I have no idea what role PK will play in Peanut's life. Assuming we get married, PK will be Peanut's step-dad, but what should the kid call PK? Should he be called by his first name, maybe a name alternative for dad? I just really have no idea. What about discipline? Will and I do not spank and I will not allow PK to spank my child, but to what extent will PK be an authority figure?
I know all of this depends on how quickly things progress and what happens with Will. All of this really scares me though, I'm afraid that we will totally fuck with this child's mind and he will never really understand how relationships and families work.
Swt
Monday, November 15, 2010
Baby, Why Won't You Sleep?
I want to start off by saying that I am blessed to have such an amazing baby. That being said, he has decided that sleep isn't his favorite activity. I'm so tired from all the fighting I have to do to get him to sleep. Some nights he cries for 2 or more hours.
I have been trying what I call "Modified Crying It Out." I don't just throw him in his crib and let him scream, instead I lay down with him and hold him until he wears himself out.
I really hate letting him cry like that, but nothing settles him down. Even though he is exhausted, he fights sleep so hard. We finally figured out that sometimes the rocking chair helps, but not always.
The problem is that when your baby is crying uncontrollably and you can't fix it, you feel like a lousy mom. I know that I am a good mom, but this would make anyone question their abilities.
On top of all my other stress, this one just makes everything else so much worse. He only cried for a few minutes tonight, so maybe the spell has been broken. We can always hope.
<3 Swt
I have been trying what I call "Modified Crying It Out." I don't just throw him in his crib and let him scream, instead I lay down with him and hold him until he wears himself out.
I really hate letting him cry like that, but nothing settles him down. Even though he is exhausted, he fights sleep so hard. We finally figured out that sometimes the rocking chair helps, but not always.
The problem is that when your baby is crying uncontrollably and you can't fix it, you feel like a lousy mom. I know that I am a good mom, but this would make anyone question their abilities.
On top of all my other stress, this one just makes everything else so much worse. He only cried for a few minutes tonight, so maybe the spell has been broken. We can always hope.
<3 Swt
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Big Girls Don't Cry...They Flog Blogs
"Big Girls Don't Cry" is my favorite Fergie song. I love her voice anyways, but this song never fails to reach my heart. It is a mantra I have lived by for quite awhile.
I get very emotional about things and it really doesn't take a lot to make me cry; if I'm scared, upset, angry, or just overwhelmed I tend to cry. But I also have a lot of control issues and crying happens to be one of them. If someone makes me cry it freaks me out because I'm not in control. So when I was about 15 I taught myself not to cry unless I really had to. It actually worked for a pretty long time. Then somehow I started having a normal range of emotions again and the crying came back.
When I had the baby, something in my head told me that moms don't cry. So I really haven't. There has been a time or two, but nothing like it was.
With all of the drama that has been going on right now, I haven't cried. I have gotten pretty good at suppressing the urge and I like the feeling of control. I know this is not how my emotions are supposed to work and that I am probably messing up my emotional cycles, but, its my coping mechanism.
<3 Swt
I get very emotional about things and it really doesn't take a lot to make me cry; if I'm scared, upset, angry, or just overwhelmed I tend to cry. But I also have a lot of control issues and crying happens to be one of them. If someone makes me cry it freaks me out because I'm not in control. So when I was about 15 I taught myself not to cry unless I really had to. It actually worked for a pretty long time. Then somehow I started having a normal range of emotions again and the crying came back.
When I had the baby, something in my head told me that moms don't cry. So I really haven't. There has been a time or two, but nothing like it was.
With all of the drama that has been going on right now, I haven't cried. I have gotten pretty good at suppressing the urge and I like the feeling of control. I know this is not how my emotions are supposed to work and that I am probably messing up my emotional cycles, but, its my coping mechanism.
<3 Swt
Mommy Guilt
It never fails, every time I drop Peanut off in the morning and go to school, I want to cry. I know that I am going to school for my future and for his; i keep telling myself that and it helps most of the time. But it still breaks my heart just a little bit everyday.
So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.
I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.
I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.
In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.
That's all I've got guys.
<3 Swt
So on Monday I knew that I needed some adult time with friends, I asked Will to watch Peanut and I headed over the Dizzy's. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop thinking about Peanut and how I missed him. And I felt guilty that I was out having "fun" without him when I needed to be spending time with him.
I know that having time to be an adult and not have to worry about Peanut is important. I needed the break from being a mom, thinking about school, and the general stress that I am under.
I'm going to a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday and Peanut is staying with Will so that they can have some more time together. I don't know how well I will deal with feeling guilty. There has been a lot of stress and drama this week and I haven't really been to a party since I got pregnant. I feel like I deserve it.
In a little update: Will and I are no longer together. I can't let this play out online, so I am not providing details right now. There have been issues with our relationship for a long time and it was time to end it before things could get uglier. I am really stressed out right now with school and trying to get caught up at home and with Will. I haven't slept more than about 10 hours total in the last couple of days and I gave myself a plugged duct. So I need to slow way the hell down and relax a little.
That's all I've got guys.
<3 Swt
Monday, October 4, 2010
I Love College...and Babies...
Yup, I forgot Flog Yo Blog Friday again. I'm a terrible person.
So anyways, it's hard being a mom and being a student. It's estimated that for every hour in class you should be doing 3 hours of homework. I am in class for 9 hours a week, so that is 27 hours of homework a week. That is a lot! I don't mind because it is worth it in the end, but right now it kind of sucks.
It would be so much worse if I wasn't living with my parents. They play with Peanut while I do my work and study. Bu I still can never seem to get caught up on everything.
Right now my room and Peanut's rooms and our bathroom is a complete disaster and the laundry is behind. I need to take a day and get everything done so that I can go back to maintaing our space instead of trying to play constant game of catch up.
Even my school is going as well as it should. I am making pretty good grades, but not as good as I could be doing. I just totally fucked up a psychology test. I am good at psychology, I just never got around to doing the reading, if I had I could have had this. I am giving math my best shot and I got 100% on my first 3 quizzes, 80% on the fourth one and then I got a C on my first test. The first one is the hardest so I think it should be ok. History is just random and my teacher has sever women issues. He always manages to make a snide remark about females. But his tests are pretty easy so it's not a huge deal. My online humanities class is easy. I can get all of the work for the week done in just a couple of hours, now I just have to start doing it before 9:30 Tuesday night when it is due at 12.
So that is how my school life is going.
Just a little update on Peanut. He has eaten avocado, white beans, banana, and potatoes. He is doing really well with solids and he refuses to eat cereal which is fine with me, there really isn't a lot of nutritional value in there. So that's it for now.
So anyways, it's hard being a mom and being a student. It's estimated that for every hour in class you should be doing 3 hours of homework. I am in class for 9 hours a week, so that is 27 hours of homework a week. That is a lot! I don't mind because it is worth it in the end, but right now it kind of sucks.
It would be so much worse if I wasn't living with my parents. They play with Peanut while I do my work and study. Bu I still can never seem to get caught up on everything.
Right now my room and Peanut's rooms and our bathroom is a complete disaster and the laundry is behind. I need to take a day and get everything done so that I can go back to maintaing our space instead of trying to play constant game of catch up.
Even my school is going as well as it should. I am making pretty good grades, but not as good as I could be doing. I just totally fucked up a psychology test. I am good at psychology, I just never got around to doing the reading, if I had I could have had this. I am giving math my best shot and I got 100% on my first 3 quizzes, 80% on the fourth one and then I got a C on my first test. The first one is the hardest so I think it should be ok. History is just random and my teacher has sever women issues. He always manages to make a snide remark about females. But his tests are pretty easy so it's not a huge deal. My online humanities class is easy. I can get all of the work for the week done in just a couple of hours, now I just have to start doing it before 9:30 Tuesday night when it is due at 12.
So that is how my school life is going.
Just a little update on Peanut. He has eaten avocado, white beans, banana, and potatoes. He is doing really well with solids and he refuses to eat cereal which is fine with me, there really isn't a lot of nutritional value in there. So that's it for now.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Yesterday Was Awesome
Goddess Leonie over at Goddess Guidebook has Switch Off Sunday every Sunday. Most of the time I don't do it, but yesterday I did. During SoS, you turn your computer off and spend sometime away from it. Well you may be asking what I did for my SoS. I went and saw The Bestie at school.
She is away at college and I have missed her like crazy. So since her family is lame and didn't go to family weekend, we did. My mom, our mutual friend J, Peanut and I went to see her.
It was a little over a 2 hour drive, but it was well worth it. We got to go to a beautiful church for worship, had lunch in the campus cafeteria, hung out in the dorm and then walked around town for awhile.
Peanut was already famous. Kay was holding him and someone walks up and says "Is that Peanut?!" It was so funny.
I hadn't realized how much I missed my best friend. I love her soooooo much and being with her all summer was great. I am hoping to get to go back out there sometime in October to surprise her again.
<3 Swt
Expect a post later about why I could never do the conventional college thing. Someone should probably remind me to write that.
She is away at college and I have missed her like crazy. So since her family is lame and didn't go to family weekend, we did. My mom, our mutual friend J, Peanut and I went to see her.
It was a little over a 2 hour drive, but it was well worth it. We got to go to a beautiful church for worship, had lunch in the campus cafeteria, hung out in the dorm and then walked around town for awhile.
Peanut was already famous. Kay was holding him and someone walks up and says "Is that Peanut?!" It was so funny.
I hadn't realized how much I missed my best friend. I love her soooooo much and being with her all summer was great. I am hoping to get to go back out there sometime in October to surprise her again.
<3 Swt
Expect a post later about why I could never do the conventional college thing. Someone should probably remind me to write that.
Friday, September 24, 2010
10 Reason's I Will Not Have Another Kid in a Hospital
When I had Peanut, I thought that I would get everything I wanted from birth in a hospital. I was dead wrong. I think that it would have gone much differently if I had been able to keep my original doctor - she had a stroke, and probably if I would have chosen a different hospital.
Here are the 432 reasons I will be avoiding a hospital the next time around:
1. I was induced, this is because my doctor convinced me that I needed to be worried about the baby's size, I pushed for 12 minutes, I don't think he was too big at all.
2. My water was artificially broken. I would have really preferred for it to have broken on it's own, but my doctor was going to get the baby out that day before dinner.
3. I got an epidural. I didn't want one, and if I had been allowed to labor in the positions I wanted to, I could have dealt with it.
4. I wasn't allowed to deal with the pain by changing into different positions. The nurses kept trying to put me on my sides and I could not deal with it like that.
5. My doctor mentioned C-Sections every time he came in. He scared me into getting an epidural because he said that I wasn't progressing fast enough so we might have to do a C-Section but that the epidural would allow me to stop fighting the pain so that I would progress faster.
6. Peanut was not placed on my chest immediately after birth,.
7. The nurses would take him without asking me or telling me why. Then when I would ask they would say that they would bring him back in a few minutes and it usually took them at least 30.
8. I was not informed when they circumcised him. I didn't want to see it, but they did it without telling me. Note - please don't start about circumcision, I don't want to hear about it.
9. I was told that I would be discharged right after the doctors cleared us, that was at 9 am. I sat in my room until noon when I asked about it, and then sat for another 2 hours.
10. The nurses were not remotely helpful with feeding Peanut. They would get upset when he only nursed for a few minutes at a time and suggested that we supplement. For some reason the expected my milk to be in right then.
I know that the experience could have been worse, but it was not what I wanted and I don't want to have these issues ever again. The next child I have will ether be had at home or in a birth center. I do not care if my insurance will not cover it, that is fine, I will pay out of pocket.
Guess what else, guys! IT"S FLOG YO BLOG FRIDAY!!! I missed last week, well not again!
So for all of you other boogers, run over to Random Ramblings of a SAHM and follow Lori, then link to your post for the day and follow at least one person on the list. That's all you have to do and it'll hopefully get you a few new followers.
<3 Swt
Here are the 432 reasons I will be avoiding a hospital the next time around:
1. I was induced, this is because my doctor convinced me that I needed to be worried about the baby's size, I pushed for 12 minutes, I don't think he was too big at all.
2. My water was artificially broken. I would have really preferred for it to have broken on it's own, but my doctor was going to get the baby out that day before dinner.
3. I got an epidural. I didn't want one, and if I had been allowed to labor in the positions I wanted to, I could have dealt with it.
4. I wasn't allowed to deal with the pain by changing into different positions. The nurses kept trying to put me on my sides and I could not deal with it like that.
5. My doctor mentioned C-Sections every time he came in. He scared me into getting an epidural because he said that I wasn't progressing fast enough so we might have to do a C-Section but that the epidural would allow me to stop fighting the pain so that I would progress faster.
6. Peanut was not placed on my chest immediately after birth,.
7. The nurses would take him without asking me or telling me why. Then when I would ask they would say that they would bring him back in a few minutes and it usually took them at least 30.
8. I was not informed when they circumcised him. I didn't want to see it, but they did it without telling me. Note - please don't start about circumcision, I don't want to hear about it.
9. I was told that I would be discharged right after the doctors cleared us, that was at 9 am. I sat in my room until noon when I asked about it, and then sat for another 2 hours.
10. The nurses were not remotely helpful with feeding Peanut. They would get upset when he only nursed for a few minutes at a time and suggested that we supplement. For some reason the expected my milk to be in right then.
I know that the experience could have been worse, but it was not what I wanted and I don't want to have these issues ever again. The next child I have will ether be had at home or in a birth center. I do not care if my insurance will not cover it, that is fine, I will pay out of pocket.
Guess what else, guys! IT"S FLOG YO BLOG FRIDAY!!! I missed last week, well not again!
So for all of you other boogers, run over to Random Ramblings of a SAHM and follow Lori, then link to your post for the day and follow at least one person on the list. That's all you have to do and it'll hopefully get you a few new followers.
<3 Swt
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