Well...It's That Time Again

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, depression is a selfish disease. Right now I am not happy and it isn’t getting any better. I’m kind of weepy, anxious, wanting to sleep all the time but not sleeping well, and I’m making stupid and risky decisions. Sounds like depression, doesn’t it?

As I’m sure most of you know, depression is always right under the surface for me. You can see it there all the time, and sometimes it breaks through and attacks me until I give up. Well, not this time; this time is different. I can feel it coming and for the love of God I am not doing this shit again. This mother fucking monster is not going to eat my soul like it usually does.

I’m doing traditional talk therapy and working out, both of which really help with the depression, but I know I need some extra help. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor and I am going to start taking a low dose of Zoloft again. I’m going to be honest; I am scared shitless. I don’t want to take these drugs for the rest of my life to have a form of normalcy. Right now I feel weak and angry because I couldn’t deal with this on my own; I’m supposed to be strong. There is a lot going on in my head regarding this decision and the events that led up to it.

The other part of this is that when Psycho and I broke up I promised myself that I would deal with some of my issues. We have talked about getting back together in the future, but I can’t do that until I do some fixing. I know that I am a hard person to love and that when I get weird I get selfish and I shut down. I’m not a good mom or partner when I’m depressed and truth be told, I’ve been depressed since before I moved in with him in March. Right now I am trying to convince myself that the break up is a blessing in disguise and a chance for me to work on my relationship with my son and myself. It’s not working yet.

Swt

Hidden Away

Last night Psycho Knight and I were having a conversation about some of my friends coming over. He said that if my ex EVER finds out where we live and shows up that there will be big issues. I got to thinking about our house and where it is. Only 4 people in my circle know exactly where I live; my parents, The Bestie, and Jules. No one else really knows more than that we are north of the river.

It’s an odd thing not having anyone know where to find me. It makes me feel very safe. As in the case of my ex; I don’t really put it past him not to show up unannounced, but the only people that know how to get to my house will never be in contact with him.

I know I have bitched about feeling secluded up here by myself there is a huge part of me that is grateful for having my home being so unknown. Before PK and I started dating I would go to his apartment to hide. No one knew where I was or how to find me. It’s kind of that same situation still, especially living with him. He has always been a safe place to hide from the world where nothing can hurt me. Every time I would walk into his old apartment I would breathe a sigh of relief because at that moment the world didn’t exist.

Sometimes I find myself kind of anxious for even my parents to come over; like somehow they are infiltrating my fortress and letting the rest of the world in with them. When I wrote This House Tucked In I think I was starting to feel at home in my new home and now I’m realizing that I am home, and that this is where I belong.

Swt

Happy Birthday Peanut!

This is Peanut's birthday post. We had an amazing time and my side of his family and his dad's side seemed to do pretty well together. His dad showed up late, like we all knew he would and he wandered about being a douche, like we knew he would but there was no drama so I'm satisfied. On my side of the equation was Psycho Knight. He left early because Will was pissing him off. I was mad for awhile, but I realize that he gave all he had to give and left before he lost control. I'm still not thrilled that he bailed, but I'll get over it.

We totally forgot to the the obligatory eating cake picture, so we took that one on his actual birthday while he was eating cream puffs. His birthday was on Mother's Day this year which made it just amazing.

Sorry it took so long to get this post up. Things have been so crazy lately. Tomorrow will come the camping post. It might be a few weeks before I do the pumping series, I'm working on a couple of guest posts for that week. I'm looking for an exclusively pumping mom that can give us her perspective.

Love,
Swt

Right...Now I Remember

Sometimes when you feel like your world might cave in, you forget why you've done the things you've done. With all the hours Psycho Knight had been working I was feeling sorry for myself; it was all about me. I've said before that depression is a horribly selfish disease and sometimes even when you are doing alright, the selfish of it comes out. I was being selfih becasue I was loonely and resentful; I had moved up here for him and then he just left me here all alone. I had a pity party and bitched and moaned about it. It's time to stop now.

Last night we had a great night. I hadn't felt well and Peanut wasn't feeling well either. I ended up staying home and sleeping most of the day. When PK finally got home I was excited to see him. I had been lonely, but for the first time in awhile I was just happy that I got to be with him. We laughed and wrestled and played all niight. We didn't go to bed until way late and I had to wake up way too early like I do every morning. But it was so worth it. I got to reconnect with my man I was reminded of why I came up here and made the sacrifices that I did. I made them because I love him and he is worth it.

It's really easy to get caught up in what we have given up; it's a lot harder to remember what we have gained inspite of the hardships. Money has been so tight, and then his car died, and then he was working too much, and stuff with my job was not going like I thought it was. It was hard. Being a grown up is HARD! So much harder than I ever thought it could be. But I get to sleep with my partner every night, I get to kiss him goodbye every morning, I get a constant shoulder to lean on when I need it. And you know what...I don't need it as often as I used to. This is what being content is. For the first time I do not have anything to be scared of and I know that it will stay that way.

I remember why I thought he was worth it...it's because he is worth it and always has been. And my happiness is worth it.

Sometime You Have to Talk About the Hard Stuff

Psycho Knight and I are getting fairly serious; I'll probably be moving in with him sometime in the next few months. When you have a child with someone other than the man you are dating there are a lot of logistics to deal with. When someone wants to be with me they have to also want to be with my son, we're a package deal.

So what are these logistics I speak of? Well first off the co-sleeping thing. We are working on transitioning Peanut into his own bed because it is unfair to expect PK to go from sleeping alone to sleeping with me and a baby; and I'm assuming that it would make Will uncomfortable to know that another man is sharing a bed with his kid. The next on the logistics list is that Peanut has to have a room when we move in. That means not only am I moving in and taking over part of the house, but he loses a whole room also. These aren't all that major for PK and I to deal with, these are the easy tasks to manage.

The harder ones are not so black and white. I have no idea what role PK will play in Peanut's life. Assuming we get married, PK will be Peanut's step-dad, but what should the kid call PK? Should he be called by his first name, maybe a name alternative for dad? I just really have no idea. What about discipline? Will and I do not spank and I will not allow PK to spank my child, but to what extent will PK be an authority figure?

I know all of this depends on how quickly things progress and what happens with Will. All of this really scares me though, I'm afraid that we will totally fuck with this child's mind and he will never really understand how relationships and families work.

Swt

It's Facebook Official

Me: So I'm changing my relationship status...

Psycho Knight: We're getting there.

I just cant decide between "it's complicated" and "open relationship"

Well open relationship would imply a boyfriend/ girlfriend thing

So maybe I should put open relationship

Are you asking me to go steady? lol

Maybe

:)

Is that a yes?

Hellz yeah

So there you have it. Apparently I have committed at least in some form. It's freaking me out a little, but in a fun/I want to puke kind of way. Already this relationship is different than the last ones. With the others I never really cared if I saw them a lot, but I want to see PK all the time and it breaks my heart when I have to leave. And all these dumb songs on the radio remind me of him. It's so adorable I want to punch myself in the face sometimes.

Swt